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I know we are all very different in our experiences in life, yet there are some very universal aspects to our lived experiences that I think we overlook. We think that we are “all alone” in our experience, when in fact we are not alone. In fact, we may all of been there in one capacity or another. So today’s blog is really about helping us to explore this concept and maybe save ourselves from the collective illusion that we are alone in our suffering.
When I was in my thirties, I found myself in a management position on a large scale for the first time. I had supervised and managed prior to this, but during this particular stint in my career I found myself in boardrooms with individuals (mostly male and mostly white), whom had been doing these jobs for decades. I was definitely the lowest on the totem pole as far as seniority and gender role, and most definitely was seen as green. This lead me into a continual battle of trying to prove my worth in this environment. I was working harder and longer hours than anyone else in this level of management and getting less recognition than all of them. It came to a head for me towards the end of my work with this agency, when I joined a coalition within the agency that was looking at making some modifications across disciplines and the CEO of one of those disciplinary areas took credit for not just part, but all of what I did. ALL OF IT. I am certain that my name never even came up in the rooms where this man pitched these ideas. He later was promoted and then found employment outside the agency entirely, and you better bet that this interdisciplinary project was part of the wave he was riding as he did so.
This was a major learning moment for me. I had the fortune of also working under a manager that was a woman, who had experienced many similar instances in her longer career with this organization. We commiserated some about this, yet that wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I was really upset by the feeling that there was a setup that I wasn’t going to be able to break working within this kind of a hierarchy. It was one of the factors that lead to my looking for other employment and moving on in my career. What I discovered is that once you are in the unenviable position of hustling for your worth and proving yourself, that energy takes over completely. Its lonely at the bottom. And if you don’t stop this pattern yourself there is no one else that will come to save you. You have to be your own hero. Others will always benefit from your assuming the myth that your worthiness must be proven. Others can (and many unfortunately will) capitalize on your courageous efforts to prove yourself by taking credit for your work, your credibility, and your value. Not everyone is trying to do this as an intentional and manipulative ploy. It is just that the system of “haves” and “have nots” will always result in more “haves” and “have nots”. If you assume the role of a “have not”, trying to always prove yourself to the “haves”, then you are perpetually within that energy.
This is not to say you can’t liberate yourself from this. You can, but you must remember that you will not liberate yourself within the context of this system. You will have to leave the system behind completely. Sometimes this happens in the literal sense, as it did for me when I left this position; and sometimes it is in a more figurative sense, when we leave behind the unspoken rules of “haves” and “have nots”, and dance to a different drummer right within the context we are stuck in. I’ve tried it both ways…and in both contexts I have learned another valuable lesson. It is always lonely at the bottom. Meaning…when we get started with a venture like this, we feel like we are on our own. We are fighting the fight, yet we are depleting our own stored energy because we have no back up.
I want to explore this part of the journey a little further. I see this “loneliness” factor as a rumble strip (for more explanation on what I mean by this, feel free to read another blog where I explain this metaphor in more detail). Loneliness tells us that we are slipping back into the “have” and “have not” paradigm again. We feel alone, because we are still indoctrinated in the illusion that we are fighting to prove our worth. When you notice that you have a case of the “I’m all alone in this”, stop. Here is where you need to change your tactics. The truth REALLY IS that we are NEVER ALONE. NEVER! In fact there is always people suffering in these same ways we are. We are not unique in these experiences.
In fact, the illusion that we are alone is a function of the “have/have not” system of oppression. Except, instead of others oppressing us, we are doing the work for them. This feature of how systems sustain inequalities is called internalized oppression. The things we were taught and learned we are now enforcing on ourselves. In this case, believing we are alone in this suffering keeps us locked in the energy of trying to prove ourselves over and over again. There is nothing to prove. We already have worth. Yet, if we keep trying to prove that worth, there is an implicit bias that we may not have that worth in the first place or we wouldn’t have to prove ourselves. As we continue to pursue proving ourselves we are keeping ourselves oppressed on autopilot, without anyone else having to do anything.
The remedy to this is to get connected to others. To build ourselves a community of people that let us know this is not the case. In the story I’ve shared here, my community started with someone else who had the same experience and was willing to help me see I was not alone. This connection started to build a community of other supporters in my career that were there when I felt stuck in the spiral of “have” and “have not”, and would challenge me to break the the cycle by not participating in my own suffering. I would stop trying to prove myself and would honor my worth. If those who I worked with didn’t honor that worth too, I would leave. They did not deserve my service if they could not honor the worth it brought to their organization. Ultimately that has lead to my working for myself. I said NO liberally. Said NO without abandon in these organizations when they were not honoring what I brought to the table. And eventually I said NO as many times as I needed and disappointed as many people as I needed, so as NEVER to disappoint myself again.
That is, until I realized I had become both my “have” and my “have not”. I had started to hustle for my worth in my worth again, even though I was working for myself. I wanted to prove myself to myself, that I could have my own practice and start a new business venture simultaneously. And when the math didn’t work, because there were not enough hours in the day, I doubled down and kept killing myself trying to make both work. I was going to prove it to myself that this could be done. But then I realized that insidious “have” and “have not” system had seeped into me again. I was feeling alone in my battle. I was noticing that I wasn’t feeling appreciated. I recognized that even without another person to prove myself to, I could get caught in the grips of proving myself and hustling for my worth. As I noted in my first blog in the “Mumblings of a Midlife Mess” series, I was going back to an old and familiar pattern and oppressing myself without even noticing.
The antidote…community. And you, my story lovers, are a part of that for me. I need to surround myself in the truth that I already have the worth and no hustling is necessary. I don’t need to prove that the side hustle can out-do the day job. It already has that worth. I just have to have faith in that truth and act accordingly. So, I share this with you to help you see that even we can be our own oppressors. Even with the best of intentions, we can fall into old patterns. And one of the ways that we can stop this in its tracks, is to share it with others. To out it. To say aloud, this system is not serving me and is not true.
I am not lonely at the bottom, fighting for my worth. I am in good company all around. We have all done this to ourselves and we will all continue to fall into these old patterns. Yet, if we come together and gain the support of one another when we recognize this, we can and will transcend this.