“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”
Oriah Mountain Dreamer (from the book, The Dance, 2001)
The first time I saw this quote, I was immediately struck by how it resonated for me. At the time, I believe I was in graduate school, with an infant and sick mother to care for at home. All of the sudden I thought, “Duh!!! That’s been my problem. Why don’t I just want to be who I am?” I bought the book and honestly don’t remember much about it. Just that this quote really marked a change in my life. An intention I made to myself to focus on wanting to be who I am, instead of always seeking to “make it”. As if there was a next part to my life, where I would meet my goals and things would get easy. The truth is there is no such part.
For me this statement was freeing. I don’t expect that is the reaction that everyone has. It is hard to want to be where you are. In fact, it is work. I mean how many of us enjoy sitting in traffic, waking up with children in the middle of the night, finding a way to pay the bills every month when the income is less than the amount of expenses. Uh…no one! The idea of trying to more frequently like being the person I am, kind of means I would be accepting some of these things…right? I don’t really think so and here is why. Loving ourselves isn’t an invitation to become complacent. In fact, it is a call to action to work hard at focusing not on what we need to ward against or work toward, but instead the hard work of seeing things as they are and loving them right where we are at.
Ok doc…great psychobabble. How in the heck am I supposed to pull that off? You’re asking me to love sitting in traffic? Are you off your rocker? No, I’m not off my rocker. Yes, I want you to love being yourself, while sitting in that traffic. No I am not so deranged as to think the traffic is something to be loved. So, let’s reign it back in a bit.
I think most of us get caught up in the “what if’s” sometimes.
“What if I had gone for that degree?”
“What if I had spent more time at home instead of been so obsessed with my work?”
“What if I don’t make it if I try this?”
“What if this is too much for me to handle?”
“What if there isn’t enough money this time?”
“What if I get hurt?”
It’s no mystery why we have trouble staying focused on loving ourselves where we are at, when our attention is on regrets for missed opportunities or fear of how our future will go. And here is the thing, the brain only listens to the content…not the “what if”? If we are thinking about getting hurt in relationships, we find ourselves feeling all of the negative emotions that go along with getting hurt, even though in the moment we are not being hurt. Here is an example of what I mean. If I ask you NOT to think about a big hairy gorilla, what do you think about? See what I mean. The brain doesn’t filter out when we use words like:
“Don’t do ______”
“What if ______”
“Forget about ______”
“Get over ________”
And if our brains don’t see those filters, what we are actually doing is experiencing those thoughts even if they aren’t actually happening. Same goes for thinking about past regrets. We end up re-experiencing them if we find ourselves focused on them. Positive Psychology calls this phenomenon the Law of Attraction. The principle being that positivity in attitude and thought will likely attract positivity, and negativity in attitude and thought will likely attract negativity.
For me the even more interesting part to this, is that when we have the “what if’s” it is usually meant as a protective factor to us. Come again doc? How can that be? You just explained to us that we are harming ourselves with the “what if’s”. I did indeed say that, but I didn’t assign harmful intent to our tendency to find ourselves thinking “what if”. This becomes interesting, because many of us worry (the behavior that is most closely associated with the “what ifs”), in order to help ourselves ward against harm. The reality is that we can end up harming ourselves in the process. And even more interesting our brains are geared towards survival, so if they think a behavior is helping us ward off harm, it becomes a well-oiled machine. Furthermore, if we find ourselves associating something with harm, then our brains will warn us anytime we see, hear, taste, smell, or feel that thing. Our brains are not so vigilant about finding the positive in our lives, because when that shows up it’s a good thing. We don’t need to ward against the good. And unfortunately, our brains then become really efficient at getting into the habit of “what ifs”, with the intent to help us ward off the bad.
Okay doc. So, it would help us to be more focused on loving who we are and not who we aim to be. When we get into the “what if’s” we are working against that goal. And on top of that our brains are wired to protect us, so “what if” worries become a habit most of us fall into. Well, thanks! That’s real helpful.
No, it probably isn’t…on the surface. Here is the thing though, habits are defined as things we do without much thought or effort. Once we shine a light on the actual mechanics of the habit, we have already started the wheels of change. Just noticing our tendency to get into the “what if’s” joined with the knowledge that this could be harmful to us, even though it’s our nature, becomes a first step towards doing something differently.
Here is my challenge to you this week. If you notice the “what if’s” show up, tell them Thank you. Yes, thank you! Let them know you appreciate that they show up to be helpful and ward against harm. Then tell them they don’t have to stick around, because you are trying to stay focused on wanting to be where you are at. Liking being where you are at. Having compassion and love for how hard it can be, to be where you are at. Tell the “what if’s” that you got this! You will ward against the bad by keeping your focus on being present in the now and intentionally trying to like that you are there. No “what if’s” will be needed, because you are attracting positivity in your life. “What if’s” can take a break. There is no need to ward against the good you are bringing into your life, by finding the meaning of where you are and loving that you are here.