We do this funny thing in our culture. We have set an arbitrary age as the age when one becomes an adult. And it’s not in our 30s or even in our 20s. This is the age of 18. And how ridiculous is it that we find ourselves telling 18 year old humans that they are adults?
Today my son turns 18. He’s my firstborn and the one that so lovingly allowed for me to become a mother. Not unlike many other women that I know, becoming a mother was really the becoming of me in general. Something about being responsible for another human as they grow, really creates space for us to become aware of ourself. My experience has been no different. I learned who I was in the process of helping this human make it to 18 years of age.
We are not at 18 years old ready for this world. I promise you that many of us aren’t even ready for this world when we hit our 40s, 50s, or even 60s. I have done enough hours of therapy with clients across the couch to know that this arbitrary idea that there is an “age of adulthood” is one that messes with us. We have the sense that we “should” know better, however we only end up “shoulding” on ourselves. And by the time we have contorted ourselves so many times that we are feeling anxious and depressed and show up in the office of a therapist, we have really caused ourselves some damage.
So here is a bit of advice that I have gained over the course of the last 18 years as I have parented my children and more importantly come to discover my own adult self. It isn’t earth shattering, and it isn’t even stuff that you haven’t heard others talk about. Yet these lessons are the ones I most want to impart on my young son as he passes this arbitrary age from innocence to adulthood. They are also the very lessons that I aspire to follow daily. And I think they could be lessons that are helpful for you too.
1. Lead with love, kindness, and understanding. This little cocktail can get you through almost anything. When we come to even the most difficult of situations with our attention on staying loving and kind, it is nearly impossible not to become understanding. When we lead in our own resentment, fear, and misunderstanding, what tends to occur is that we miss that folks on the other side are just human and doing the best that they know how with what they have and know at that time. The issue is not that people aren’t trying. It’s that they don’t know different. When we lead with love, kindness, and understanding we can open up the doorway to knowing better, for ourselves and for others.
2. Fail a whole ton. And I mean it! Fail so many times that it’s epic. Why would I say this? Because the key to risk-taking, creativity, and discovery in one’s life is in their willingness to fall flat on their face. You cannot expect any human to be able to do things well on a first try. Once in a while we may get lucky, yet most of the time it takes us several iterations before we get there. So in the meantime…fail generously. We need you to take risks, because we need you. We need what is unique about you. The world is craving whatever wonder it is that you are here to give us. Yet if you are too scared to fail and restrict yourself from ever trying, we may miss out on learning what this wonder is entirely.
3. This last one has been a stickler for me. I would tell you that I am still actively working on doing this well. And I imagine I will continue to work on it. It is definitely one of the hardest lessons that I have learned, yet one of the most valuable. So here goes…
Disappoint as many people as you need to in order to NEVER disappoint yourself. I’m serious! There has been some cultural/social conditioning we have all undergone that tells us we should actually contort ourselves in order to please others. It creeps into things that we do all of the time. Go back to number two above. If we were able to allow ourselves to be fallible and make mistakes, we would never miss out on being creative. Yet, this unsaid rule that we are somehow responsible to be the best version of ourselves the first time for the sake of others, cripples us from taking the risks we need to and making the mistakes we have to, in order to be the very people we are supposed to be. The only remedy to this is to disappoint others. Do it every single time that you need to in order to never sacrifice yourself. Who you are is your most precious resource! Guard this with your life! And most certainly guard against EVER disappointing this life.
So there it is. My little bit of advice to my 18-year-old son as he enters into “adulthood“. Adulting is hard. Being human is REALLY hard. These are just a few guide posts. Easy to remember, yet effortful to practice. I promise you however, there is no time in your life when you won’t find these useful.