Dear Dr Natalie,
– Sincerely, Confused and Dissatisfied
I’m kind of embarrassed to ask this question, because I feel like I have a pretty good life. I have been married for 19 years, have two kids, and have an ok job that makes decent money. That’s just it. I feel like I have all the things that I set out to do, but I am still unhappy. Its so confusing to me, because honestly if I had it to do over again, I am not sure where I would have made different choices in my life. And now that I am so far into my life, I’m too exhausted to even think about changing things. But it bothers me that even when I stayed on the straight and narrow path that I was taught to follow that I am still so unhappy with my life. What’s wrong with me? I did everything right?!? What gives? Why am I still unhappy? And how do I fix this?
Dear Confused and Dissatisfied,
I hear you loud and clear. And just so you know you are in good company, because so many women in midlife struggle with this discontent with where their lives are at and don’t have the first idea of how to get through that. It may seem like you are the only one and like you should be embarrassed because your life from the outside looking in looks good, but you are not alone and you have no need to be embarrassed. I assure you.
First of all, try to stop being hard on yourself about feeling this way. Its hard enough to be unhappy, lets try to spare you the added grief of judging yourself unkindly for having those feelings. They are absolutely normal. I mean, come on, if you ordered a new piece of furniture online and started to assemble it, but the end product looked nothing like what you ordered, wouldn’t you be unhappy? I would. Most of us would. And that is what is happening here. We were told if we followed a prescriptive life of getting married, finding a good job, and having kids, we would be happy. And yet, that is not the case.
Why is that not the case, you ask? Well, because no one took into consideration in creating the definition for this prescriptive life all the unique lived experiences we have collectively. We are all individuals and have individual likes, dislikes, needs and wants. Anytime you cookie cutter things, only about two thirds of the population will be reasonably satisfied. That leaves at least a third of us scrambling entirely, and even within that two thirds only about a third are at a high level of satisfaction. But the worst part is, we are then shamed into thinking we must be doing it wrong or something is wrong with us, or we would be happy. The gaslighting effect of this is that we start to question our own judgment…are we unhappy legitimately or are we asking for too much, or are we selfish, needy, and should change our attitudes and adjust our desires? Answer, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, NEEDY, OR ASKING FOR TOO MUCH! You are wanting to be happy and that is a biologically driven need and your biology is telling you, life has missed the mark thus far.
So I have a video here for you to watch and learn a little more about what I think the real question underneath this question is and make some suggestions on how you can start to “fix” this. I put “fix” in quotes because those are your words. I remind you that you are not broken. Your body and mind are dissatisfied with your life and are telling you that. It isn’t you that’s broken. It’s the IDEA that we all should be able to enjoy the same kind of life that is broken. Humans are way too unique for that to be true.
Disclaimer: The content on this page is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums. If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources): National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255 Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/ Text HOME to 741741
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