In many ways women have been handed the short end of the stick. One of the most powerful social roles that we have been given is the “selfless” giver. Our very self-worth is tied to how well we give of ourselves to those around us. And this is not just to those who are in our families, or in our friend groups, or who are in our community groups. This also means to be a “human doing” in all we do, to all we meet.
When we decide to set limits and have boundaries, we often will be called “selfish“, “self-centered”, or “bitchy”. As in, “ I can’t believe that mom chose to go on a vacation with her girlfriends and not save that money to go on an extra vacation with her family.“ Or “She really is quite self-centered, deciding that her own exercise class is more important than enrolling her child in another extracurricular.“ Or “She didn’t have to be that bitchy, telling us she has no time for volunteering, while balancing work and personal life.”
This is a very genderized distinction, as we offer much more opportunity to men in American/western culture to be independent, putting themselves first as a means to be more creative and productive for the betterment of society. Not that this role is any easier, as their self-worth gets very tied up in how well they perform. Their paycheck size sometimes equating to their worthiness.
What can happen over time, is that women stop understanding that this “selfless” role is a construct…a definition that has been given to them to define themselves by. It is not itself defining, in actuality, they’re worth. And it sometimes takes women until a major life event happens to start to recognize this. By the time women hit my office, it is usually because of divorce, children moving out of their home and aging, a major shift in their work, or a significant loss in their life. Suddenly, life transition becomes a disruptor large enough to crack open the false nature that this definition of being “selfless” defines them.
Women can no longer keep up, and this may even be the reason for their life transition issue. Once they hit this midlife disruption, women are faced with unlearning a lifetime of defining their worth by the world’s definitions instead of by their own. This is not an easy task. Because it’s not easy, you see women in this situation scrambling to find new meaning, a purpose, and some source for helping them to create this. This might be self-help materials, courses, and books. Maybe it will be a new health and wellness regimen. Maybe they will start to shift into socializing more and trying to align with people that don’t seem taken in by the “selfless“ construct. Yet, by and large this is a very difficult time to navigate and one that needs some assistance.
And here is where I think the sickest part is in this debacle. Women don’t ask for help, because they are supposed to be the “selfless” helpers. They know that they have hit a wall, yet the construct is such a powerful one it is hard for them to admit to themselves or to others that perfection and being “selfless“ isn’t possible. Sometimes they just keep getting up and running hard and fast against this brick wall. Not stopping until they feel overwhelmed and crippled by their efforts, yet defeated by their inability to make those efforts count.
The other discouraging part, from the outside these are the women that we aspire to be. They are the top of their craft, the supermoms, the ultimate volunteers, and basically demonstrate what we think is perfection. On the inside, however, these very same women feel like they’re dying inside. They know that they are not attaining the perfection others see in them and the burden of their imposter syndrome is crippling.
The truth is that the only way out of this spiral is to let go of societal definitions of who we should be. And because this is not an easy task, having assistance and community support from others doing the same is essential. Find communities where women are starting to face this head-on. Redefining “selfless” as high amounts of self-care and putting one’s needs first, in order for you to have the resources to care for those which you choose. Bringing the best of your self to each and every task in your life, because you have “selflessly“ put your needs above those of others. The metaphor of placing a mask on your own face on an airplane before that of another comes to mind.
If any of this resonates with you and you are feeling ready to take that next step up and find that community, please join Learn To Love Your Story. Our purpose here is to help women in just these circumstances navigate their life transitions and come out the other side restored and renewed instead of defeated and depleted. Dr. Natalie has almost 20 years of wisdom and scientific research/clinical application to support the strategies that she will give you. Sign up so that you are first on the list to keep receiving this information and first to know of any opportunities in the future where Learn to Love Your Story is building such a community for you to grow within.
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