Imagine you are walking in the woods and you see a small dog sitting by a tree. As you approach it, it suddenly lunges at you, teeth bared. You are frightened and angry. But then you notice that one of it’s legs is caught in a trap. Immediately your mood shifts from anger to concern: You see that the dog’s aggression is coming from a place of vulnerability and pain. This applies to all of us. When we behave in hurtful ways, it is because we are caught in some kind of trap. The more we look through the eyes of wisdom at ourselves and one another, the more we cultivate a compassionate heart.
Tara Brach
So much of the time we are acting from our own pain in response to someone else’s pain. What if we could remember this better in the moment? What if we had better control of our emotional state in the moment? What if we could really see and hear where someone else is coming from?
I think this could change the world. It would start first by changing the story we tell ourselves. It’s a powerful thing, those stories. They shape us. They take the same set of circumstances and shine them in totally different lights.
In this quote, Tara Brach is illustrating this principle for us. One story is that this animal is ready to bring intentional harm to us. The alternate story is this animal is very hurt and therefore very vulnerable and ready to defend itself. So interesting that something that “looks” the same can have such a different meaning based on the story we tell ourselves about it.
There is another aspect to this as well. The stories we tell ourselves over and over, become ingrained in us at a level in which we are unaware. We have automatic responses to people, places and things, because somewhere in our history we created a story about the meaning of these things and now we accept it as fact…without question.
But what if the story is wrong? And yet we are still going about unaware that we have this unquestioned idea in our mind and think it is a fact. Thoughts and feelings are not facts. They are messages. They are information telling us about what is happening in that moment. And if we accept them as fact without question…well, we may find ourselves a far distance from the truth without ever intending it.
These are the very concepts that are manipulated in marketing. We are told over and over what beautiful is and is not. What successful is and is not. What we “need” and what we do not “need”. Over time we start to distrust our own guts on these things, and fall into the trap of the status quo telling us what our lives should be. And furthermore, feeling disappointed when we are not able to attain these things. Believing our very human existence, as it is, has somehow missed the mark.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have run into this with folks I work with. People come in looking to treat their anxiety and depression and don’t even realize that the stories that they are telling themselves are having a negative impact on them. Many times they don’t even notice that they tell themselves these stories, or that they accept them as facts without question. They have learned not to trust their own judgment on things. They have been taught that the definitions of how to live their lives are somehow outside them, generated by outside forces, and they feel they have no ability to change these circumstances.
What stories are we telling ourselves that may be harmful? What can we do to change these stories? So much of what I do with people in these situations is to help them unlearn things. To help them discover what they stories are underneath the surface, how those stories got there, and how they can help themselves re-author those stories. I would love to help you with this too. Click below for a few gifts to get started on this.
Dr. Natalie Marr takes her readership on an afternoon winter stroll, while talking about the stress response system and how neglecting/avoiding feeling your emotions or intentionally stuffing emotions can negatively affect you across time.
She suggests that we feel our feelings as they happen, completing the stress cycle. During this clip she refers to the book BURNOUT: THE SECRET TO UNLOCKING THE STRESS CYCLE, By Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski, DMA (2019). Dr. Marr receives no proceeds in the promotion or discussion of this book. But she does highly recommend it.
Self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.
Katie Reed
Are you tired of being tired? I know I am. And its not like I don’t know better…its just so darn easy to fall into the same patterns over and over. So many things to do. It can be overwhelming. Day after day of getting up, getting ready, doing the thing we do, coming home (or starting our “home” life for the COVID day), taking care of the ones we love, probably going back to some work on that thing that we do, then finally crashing, only to have to wake up and start it all over again. Enough!!! Am I right?
Notice a key ingredient missing in this? Self-care!!! When are we taking care of us? And don’t give me that old line of, “I don’t have time.” Of course we all feel like we don’t have time when we are running in circles and neglecting ourselves, which leads to not resting well, which leads to running into the ground and completely losing sight of why we are doing what we are doing in the first place.
I’m pretty sure no one said, “When I grow up I want to work so I can pay my bills.” No…we wanted to grow up to have fun, hang out with friends, start families, and fulfill our hopes and dreams. So what are those hopes and dreams? And how far off is your routine from helping you to accomplish them? For most of us, it’s way too far off. And what happens from that point is usually no good.
When we aren’t where we are “supposed to be” according to our families, cultures, or personal ideals, we start to judge ourselves more and more harshly. This leads to less likelihood that we are caring for ourselves. In fact, we usually just pile on the self-judgment and I think that this pattern is what causes us the most difficulty. We are already far from where we want to be, and then we ladle on being judgmental with ourselves for being there and that makes us not want to be present in our lives even more.
This is not good people. Not good at all. I wrote a piece a while back talking about how some of us will even begin to experience having difficulty wanting to be in the present at all. Check it out.
I want to suggest an alternative to this. I want to help people start to learn not just how to get out of this rut, but to learn the skills for noticing when they start to fall into this rut and why. I want to assist people to have the skills not only to recognize what’s happening, but also change its course. And honestly, my dream is to help people see how much there is to love about themselves right now. That they already are people worthy of love and belonging. That they don’t have to achieve some big goal, where the right thing, buy to right product, have the right job, etc. to be worth their own focus, love, and self-care.
Take a look at this video and learn some more about my online Personal Development Program. This is what I’m doing to help others with these issues. And I recently added Group Coaching with Community Support packages as well. Take a look at the packages after watching the video.
https://youtu.be/OH7fOhJar8w
If any of this seems like a good idea for you, join our mailing list and receive a free gift. Once on our mailing list you will never miss any new information on the program. Or you can just head right Courses page by clicking this link.
Really…pain and suffering are the ties that bind? Hard pass!!! No thank you!!!
Wait a second though…What if pain and suffering are the GLUE that unite us? Think about it…when you meet someone that you don’t even know, what are the kinds of things that quickly communicate to you that this person really understands you? Is it that you both like the color blue? Probably not. What about if you both like some of the same music? Ok…we may be getting warmer. But really, there is something about having both experienced the same kind of awful thing that really seals the deal right? Like you don’t have to wonder at all if they know what you are talking about, because they have experienced the same thing. Am I right?!?
I recently was scrolling through social media in an aimless moment of escaping from the chores I needed to do (don’t we all do this?). I came across one of those TLDR (too long; don’t read) posts that have no pics and challenge the reader to “read to the end” of the post and comment “Done”, so you KNOW they have read it all and are “a true friend“. (As an aside, what the heck is that about?)
At any rate, on this day the post happened to be about whether or not you had ever known anyone who had suffered with or died from cancer. Well, because I was in the mood to really procrastinate from the load of dishes in the dishwasher that I needed to empty and the laundry that was screaming my name, I read the whole TLDR post. And, because I was a caretaker for my mother during her three year battle with cancer, I also commented “Done” (signifying what an excellent friend that I am) AND I shared a little about what my experience helping my mom through the last three years of her life was like for me. The person who posted replied back to me and shared more details about their experience. Together we felt the bond that those who care for and watch their loved ones suffer from this disease have together, without ANYTHING else in common needed. And it is a BOND.
So all this got me thinking. Here I am conversing with someone via social medial and I am also feeling their pain and re-experiencing my own with just a few words exchanged. And my compassion for this person has now grown from being a fleeting thought about “Yeah, I know what that’s like” while scrolling through social media, to “I see you. I know your pain. I’ve TOTALLY been there before.”
How is that? And a better question: How can we use this known phenomena to our advantage as a human race? Especially in this country right now! With all the hateful divisiveness that is being spewed all about at the moment, I think we could really use some connection. Don’t you?
I mean think about it. When you have suffered through something and find out someone has experienced the same thing, it creates an instant bond. You feel like you’ve known this person forever. And the amount of pain and suffering is key to the depth of this bond. It wouldn’t be the same thing if you asked on a post like this, “Who else has owned 10 vehicles?”, “Who else has tried ground turkey in place of ground beef?”, or “Who else loves when you get that extra 3 rolls of toilet paper with your favorite brand?” (Ok that last one may lean more towards suffering in this day and age). But when you ask something like, “Who else has watched someone they love waste away more from the treatments they have received than the cancer itself?” Well, that kind of connection really leads to feeling like someone gets it. Like they get you.
So why would I want to plant the seed that pain and suffering may be used to help us bond? What is that about? I’ll tell you. There is a lot of suffering in our world right now. And yes there always is suffering if you are paying attention and aware. However, right now it is happening during a time when all of us have had many of the comforts and patterns of our daily lives stripped away and altered in the midst of a pandemic. So we are already raw and then you layer on the animosity we are seeing and the divisiveness this causes. This primes us for a game of “Us versus Them“, which has NO WINNERS. EVER!!!
Sometimes what happens to us when we suffer is that we become open to the mercy and grace and gratitude and gift and appreciation and joy that are always around us all the time…
Rob Bell
So think about this with me a minute. What if we all started to ask ourselves questions about our mutual pain and suffering? What if we started to see that we have people right in our midst that we may otherwise overlook, who know our experiences on a deep level and we know theirs? And what if we took this mutual experience of pain and used it as a conduit for reaching out to one another to co-regulate from our fears and tendencies to be defensive when we are in this anxious and uncertain state? What if instead of seeing another’s pain as a weakness to exploit in an argument, we see it as a mirror of our own wounds and seek to join and connect in this pain with one another as a means to help us both transcend our pain?
We could really use this kind of understanding, empathy and compassion right now. And to be honest, we are wired to want to co-regulate in this way. Our brains want us to seek out one another and feel the comfort of having someone else really see us…really know our pain…and really understand our struggle.
So rather than stay in our fight or flight sympathetic nervous system response at the state of our pain right now…why don’t we seek to try and connect to one another in our mutual pain right now? Just think of what we could accomplish if in regulating to a calmer/safer state of being, we were also expanding our connections with others. And some of those people we connect with, we may never have seen things in common with before that. What if?
One bit of advice as you try this…don’t start with TLDR posts that make someone read to the end to “show what a good friend” they are. That is likely to defeat this purpose…only die hard procrastinators like myself are likely to get through a TLDR. Instead, be creative. Think of the opportunities and ways you may start doing this in your life right now. You stand only to feel better. Connection is a salve that we need on our collective wound of humanity right now. So do your part…ask someone “Are you feeling this pain that I am right now?” You’ll be surprised how many folks might answer you and how much better you will feel knowing someone sees and understands what you’re going through. Try it…I dare you!
And if you are a woman in midlife looking for more connection with people that are experiencing some of the same painful life transitions as you are (divorce, empty nest, career upheaval, general disinterest in your life) than visit our Courses page and learn about the new Group Coaching and Community Support Packages.
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Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
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