Really…pain and suffering are the ties that bind? Hard pass!!! No thank you!!!

Wait a second though…What if pain and suffering are the GLUE that unite us? Think about it…when you meet someone that you don’t even know, what are the kinds of things that quickly communicate to you that this person really understands you? Is it that you both like the color blue? Probably not. What about if you both like some of the same music? Ok…we may be getting warmer. But really, there is something about having both experienced the same kind of awful thing that really seals the deal right? Like you don’t have to wonder at all if they know what you are talking about, because they have experienced the same thing. Am I right?!?

I recently was scrolling through social media in an aimless moment of escaping from the chores I needed to do (don’t we all do this?). I came across one of those TLDR (too long; don’t read) posts that have no pics and challenge the reader to “read to the end” of the post and comment “Done”, so you KNOW they have read it all and are “a true friend“. (As an aside, what the heck is that about?)

At any rate, on this day the post happened to be about whether or not you had ever known anyone who had suffered with or died from cancer. Well, because I was in the mood to really procrastinate from the load of dishes in the dishwasher that I needed to empty and the laundry that was screaming my name, I read the whole TLDR post. And, because I was a caretaker for my mother during her three year battle with cancer, I also commented “Done” (signifying what an excellent friend that I am) AND I shared a little about what my experience helping my mom through the last three years of her life was like for me. The person who posted replied back to me and shared more details about their experience. Together we felt the bond that those who care for and watch their loved ones suffer from this disease have together, without ANYTHING else in common needed. And it is a BOND.

So all this got me thinking. Here I am conversing with someone via social medial and I am also feeling their pain and re-experiencing my own with just a few words exchanged. And my compassion for this person has now grown from being a fleeting thought about “Yeah, I know what that’s like” while scrolling through social media, to “I see you. I know your pain. I’ve TOTALLY been there before.”

How is that? And a better question: How can we use this known phenomena to our advantage as a human race? Especially in this country right now! With all the hateful divisiveness that is being spewed all about at the moment, I think we could really use some connection. Don’t you?

I mean think about it. When you have suffered through something and find out someone has experienced the same thing, it creates an instant bond. You feel like you’ve known this person forever. And the amount of pain and suffering is key to the depth of this bond. It wouldn’t be the same thing if you asked on a post like this, “Who else has owned 10 vehicles?”, “Who else has tried ground turkey in place of ground beef?”, or “Who else loves when you get that extra 3 rolls of toilet paper with your favorite brand?” (Ok that last one may lean more towards suffering in this day and age). But when you ask something like, “Who else has watched someone they love waste away more from the treatments they have received than the cancer itself?” Well, that kind of connection really leads to feeling like someone gets it. Like they get you.

So why would I want to plant the seed that pain and suffering may be used to help us bond? What is that about? I’ll tell you. There is a lot of suffering in our world right now. And yes there always is suffering if you are paying attention and aware. However, right now it is happening during a time when all of us have had many of the comforts and patterns of our daily lives stripped away and altered in the midst of a pandemic. So we are already raw and then you layer on the animosity we are seeing and the divisiveness this causes. This primes us for a game of “Us versus Them“, which has NO WINNERS. EVER!!!

Sometimes what happens to us when we suffer is that we become open to the mercy and grace and gratitude and gift and appreciation and joy that are always around us all the time…

Rob Bell

So think about this with me a minute. What if we all started to ask ourselves questions about our mutual pain and suffering? What if we started to see that we have people right in our midst that we may otherwise overlook, who know our experiences on a deep level and we know theirs? And what if we took this mutual experience of pain and used it as a conduit for reaching out to one another to co-regulate from our fears and tendencies to be defensive when we are in this anxious and uncertain state? What if instead of seeing another’s pain as a weakness to exploit in an argument, we see it as a mirror of our own wounds and seek to join and connect in this pain with one another as a means to help us both transcend our pain?

We could really use this kind of understanding, empathy and compassion right now. And to be honest, we are wired to want to co-regulate in this way. Our brains want us to seek out one another and feel the comfort of having someone else really see us…really know our pain…and really understand our struggle.

So rather than stay in our fight or flight sympathetic nervous system response at the state of our pain right now…why don’t we seek to try and connect to one another in our mutual pain right now? Just think of what we could accomplish if in regulating to a calmer/safer state of being, we were also expanding our connections with others. And some of those people we connect with, we may never have seen things in common with before that. What if?

One bit of advice as you try this…don’t start with TLDR posts that make someone read to the end to “show what a good friend” they are. That is likely to defeat this purpose…only die hard procrastinators like myself are likely to get through a TLDR. Instead, be creative. Think of the opportunities and ways you may start doing this in your life right now. You stand only to feel better. Connection is a salve that we need on our collective wound of humanity right now. So do your part…ask someone “Are you feeling this pain that I am right now?” You’ll be surprised how many folks might answer you and how much better you will feel knowing someone sees and understands what you’re going through. Try it…I dare you!

And if you are a woman in midlife looking for more connection with people that are experiencing some of the same painful life transitions as you are (divorce, empty nest, career upheaval, general disinterest in your life) than visit our Courses page and learn about the new Group Coaching and Community Support Packages.

Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.

Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!

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