I wish I had a penny for every time I felt rushed when they were young, or wanted to get through a frustrating time, or I just wanted some rest. How many of those times were there? Countless. Countless times when I was rushing to get to a game, to pick up a kid, rushing to get to the next thing that I needed to do as their parent. And yet, if I had all that money those pennies add up to right now, I would spend it all for just one more moment with that kid curled up next to me. Just one more moment. There just weren’t enough. Even though there seemed to be so many that I was just struggling to get through at the time. 

Parenting a child is a funny thing. No one tells us when we have these children that a little fractal of our hearts break off to become this wonderful little person. In the beginning, this fractal is fragile and it is our job to protect it. And then as this fractal of our heart grows it is our job to shape it, to teach it, and to make sure that it has the values we want it to. And then as this fractal of our heart becomes its own person and grows away from us, we are left here watching a part of us and having almost no ability to do the protecting and shaping that we once did. It leaves us feeling raw. It leaves us wondering what next. It leaves us with a hole in our hearts, but not one that was put there against our will…one that was left there by our choice.

I’m sure you feel this too, as you watch this beautiful young soul that you have cared for graduate and start a new phase of their life. It just doesn’t seem imaginable. Yet it is. And you are at these graduation ceremonies and parties, just standing in disbelief next to this person that looks like an adult, while all you can see is the small child you still adore.  Who told them they could grow up so fast?  Who said that was ok?  It certainly wasn’t you.  You are left with just the notion that your job is now done.  But what next?

I know your grief. I am experiencing it too. And it’s so weird how we moved from wanting to just get past the monotony of it all, into longing for even one day of the worst of it again. And that’s where we find ourselves in times like these. With a whole mixed bag of emotions that we’re just not quite sure how to handle. We want to cry, because we know that we will miss it all so much. We know that we’re also so proud of them that it seems almost impossible to contain all of this love and admiration inside of us. We can’t tell enough people how wonderful they are and how we would be their biggest fan even if we hadn’t raised them. They are just so amazing to us.

Yet, what are we going to do with the space…the void that shows up in the wake of their growing up and moving on with their lives? What will we do with all the time, with all the love, with all that we still want to give them? What will we do? We have spent the better part of two decades or more taking care of them. We know how it is to be in the role of their parents and caregivers, yet we’re not so certain what our role is now. Not to mention it doesn’t seem fair that a part of our heart is just walking around in the world without us. How is it even possible that we will survive not knowing all the time what’s happening? Not being able to save them from all of the bad that we can see in the world? Not sharing in all of their joy going forward? It just doesn’t seem fair that a part of our heart is in their‘s, yet we will never have the intimate front row seat to their life in the way we have up until now.

There’s really only one thing that we can do. And that is to take care of the heart that fractal left. It may not seem like what we think we should do, yet it is the only thing within our power to do. We must take care of our own hearts. We must grieve and then we must keep moving forward and enjoying this beautiful life that is still connected to ours. If we stay too long in our longing, in our regret, in our missing what once was, we risk missing the enjoyment of the person they are now. This young adult that we are growing to love. Just remember that neither of us know how this works. We are all on the growth edge of a new relationship with one another.         

Here’s the truth of it. Since we cannot go with them and will not be in their lives the way that we have up until now, we must learn to take care of the heart where that fractal left. It is our job to take care of ourselves. To learn what it’s like to be the parent or caregiver of this young adult. It is our job to find our way in this new world that we find ourselves in. It is our job to love ourselves and in so doing transmit the love in our heart to that fractal, however far away it may be.             

So take care of yourselves, my story lovers.  Take care of the one that took care of them for this long.  Take care.