Tag Archives: selfcompassion

Finding Beauty in the Broken

The wound is the place where the light enters you.

Rumi

There is a tradition in Japanese culture, whereby broken pottery is reassembled using gold as the adherent in the cracks between broken pieces. The flaw thereby becomes a part of the beauty of the object as it ages. Its a part of the pottery’s history and by being treated with gold, shows that this part of the history has a high value.

It’s an interesting concept to think of our hardships and brokenness as the most valuable parts of us. So true though. What I really like about this Japanese tradition is that gold is used in the repairing. So, the beauty only “shines” when the repairs are done. I have been a psychologist over the course of two decades and I have helped others and watched as they have healed. The beauty that emerges is inspiring to me. And I mean inspiring.

Photo by Hebert Santos on Pexels.com

I too have had my share of difficult times and one of the unique aspects of being with others during their healing journeys is that I am privy to the knowledge that this too shall pass and I could be all the better for that. I just have to let the pieces fall and then pick them up and mend them with the gold of self-compassion. This work can be tedious and many times pain staking. It’s still so worth the effort.

What is self-compassion you may ask? Well compassion’s literal translation is to “suffer with”. In action, compassion usually is a conscious awareness of another’s suffering, paired with a desire to try to share the pain with this individual in an effort to alleviate it. To have this same empathic quality towards oneself, is to see yourself through the lens of loving kindness with the knowledge that the human condition is flawed and your mistakes are an aspect of that humanity. To love yourself despite your faults. To see with this lens does not negate that negative things have occurred, the wounds have left scars, or that healing has come at a cost. Instead it allows us to see the beauty in these scars. The mending of the old wounds has left us with a different kind of beauty. The process of self-compassion and compassion towards others lets us see the beauty in our own collective human condition, flaws and all.

Photo by Engin Akyurt on Pexels.com
Investing in ourselves is the most important work we will ever do, because without that investment there isn’t much in us to be shared with the world, no matter how much we want to. My challenge to you is to notice where your broken pieces are and take time to carefully pick them up so that you too can start your repair work. Take this loving approach of seeing the beauty in the places where you feel broken and adding the gold of self-compassion to adhere these broken pieces into the whole of you. Let the flaws of your life shine through and tell us of your real beauty.


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It’s Good to Remember We Are Only Human

We tend to be so difficult on ourselves. Like I talked about last week, we are always looking to use our whips on ourselves as a means to correct our behaviors, as if this actually works as our best tool. Let me break some news to you…punishing ourselves IS NOT our best tool for changing behavior. In many ways, it is the least helpful. What happens when we are punished (even by ourselves) is we learn to avoid the punishment…not how to do the thing better that we messed up that resulted in our punishing ourselves.

I try to help break down in this video a skill I have used for years, based in Person Centered Theory. Its a basic set of questions that help you look at what you and/or others are doing, through a much different lens. Instead of whipping yourself for what you are doing wrong, it is looking at what you are doing more holistically. Getting ideas for what is going well, as much as what is not. Take a look.

https://youtu.be/762j3oITBRE

Here are those basic questions again:

  1. What is working?
  2. What isn’t working?
  3. What to keep the same?
  4. What to do differently?

My example here is how to do this in parenting, but these questions can work in any area of your life. Try them…and tell me about it by replying below in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how these work for you.


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How to Be Kind to Yourself

It seems like such an intuitive thing to do, yet we are very challenged in our ability to stay kind towards ourselves. This form of self compassion seems to fly in the face of the internal mantras we have of judgmental self-evaluation, as a means to keep ourselves “on course“. Basically, we like our whips. We like to use self-critical evaluation as a way to stay on track.

This does not always serve us, however. Being kind to ourself is a form of self compassion that uses our first language, behavior. You know…how babies talk…by crying in order to get the adults in their life to meet their needs. This language of behavior is still our first language as adults. If we do kind things for ourselves the message we send to us is that we are worthy. We are worthy of investing our time in. We are worthy of investing our energy in. We are worthy of investing our love in.

Take a look at Dr. Natalie‘s video message this week on how you can be kind to yourself.

https://youtu.be/qVvzqrDKSOk