Have you ever tried to get somewhere without using your GPS or a map? How’d you do? Probably not well. Most of the time we are all pretty good about looking at the map, using the GPS, reading the instructions, etc. But when it comes to our lives, we mostly are just winging it or following the path set for us by society, family, religion, or culture. It is very infrequent that we seek out professional help from a coach or clinician, unless we have gotten stuck and need a boost. Dr. Natalie suggests that we access help sooner, almost like we are consulting with a map maker to help us set up the map to a better life. Take a look and see what you think of this idea.
All posts by admin
How to Build Trust in Yourself
Trust is an interesting concept. I hear this theme come up mostly when people are talking about their relationships to other people. In fact, trust is actually a relationship with yourself. Once this trust in oneself is established, most everything else can fall into place. This is an abstract concept and one that we are not taught about with the principles of trusting.
Let’s start further back. We have many ideas of how our life should be. We have patterns that we get into where we have high expectations for our life based in preconceived notions that we were taught, followed by disappointment when our expectations for our life do not manifest in the way that we had anticipated. Unfortunately, when this pattern occurs it stops the flow of our life. Instead of moving forward we hold fast in our resistance to the way things are and thwart our desire to change the outcome.
Here is the interesting piece to this. We are desiring to create our own outcomes. Yet, we create based on our lived experience. We cannot create outside that map. How happy are you with your past? Many of us have regrets and would like to move past where we have been. Yet we are trying to do so with a map of only where we have been. This doesn’t make sense does it?
We very much limit ourselves when we resist the new or unknown. Yet, as Virginia Satir said, “People prefer the certainty of misery to the misery of uncertainty.” Living our lives is about being in the flow of change, living without preconceptions of how we “should” live. Surviving, on the other hand, is about resisting change and staying in what is known. So the question becomes – Do you want to “live“ your life or do you want to “survive” your life?
In order to “live” our lives we must trust ourselves. And in order to trust ourselves, we must take three active steps. The first step is to let go of our old fears. These fears are based in our previous lived experiences. Any time something in our life triggers these fears, we are wired to go into a state of survival (fight, flight, or freeze). It is most definitely an active and effortful step for us to overcome our fixed reactions to these fears. The second step is to let go of our programming and conditioning. These are the unwritten rules that we abide by that were taught to us by family, society, culture, and religion. While we may choose to keep abiding by some of these unwritten rules, we must be able to know when the rules don’t serve us any longer. What we must be able to do is recognize when this programming and conditioning is telling us we “should“ be a certain way, fueling our resistance to change, and then learn to put those particular unwritten rules to the side. For the last and third step we must learn the art of allowing things to be as they are, rather than trying to impose our own belief of how they “should“ be. This may seem on the face of it to be a passive step, however, it most definitely is effortful for us to stand aside and allow life to flow rather than impose our own ideas of how it “should“ be.
When I start to talk to people about trusting themselves as the answer to moving into “living” their lives rather than “surviving” their lives, I am often met with the same resistance. This resistance comes in the form of statement such as, “But doc, if I don’t work towards my goal I might fail.“ Or, “Doc, if I don’t have expectations I could fall into bad habits. I know what is ‘right’ for me and I need to work towards this, or I will be working towards what is ‘wrong’ for me.” Both of these fears are based in a threat that is framed by what we know from our past lived experience. We are using the map of the past to judge the future in these examples. These statements of resistance also make the assumption that living in trust of ourselves is somehow a passive strategy. Nothing could be further from the truth.
So how does trusting ourself help us keep moving forward “living” our lives? That is a great question. Without trust in ourselves to be able to handle whatever comes towards us in life and see the value of it, we will live in our own fear that nothing that comes towards us has value unless we give it value through our own past lived experience. Trust in ourselves then becomes the ultimate goal. We want to be able to trust that we can live into whatever comes our way. Trust that whatever the future has in store for us has value, even if at first we don’t see that value. Trust that the new map for our lives will reveal itself and may have no resemblance to the one we already had in mind. And trust that this is as it should be. Once we learn that we can trust ourselves to take on whatever comes our way, nothing can stop us.
Come to our monthly Master Class for FREE, in an intimate coffee and conversation setting. This is a great place to get some FREE Group Coaching from Dr. Natalie, helping you be the best version of yourself all the time. Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will be part of the mailing list to hear about the topics and get the video highlights sent out afterwards, so it is well worth it.
Or, if you are looking for something a little more in depth, take a look at the Online Courses to help your with your personal growth and development.
How to Get Past Living by Rigid Roles
Have you ever thought about how the roles that you play in your life? Hidden within them can be a rigid plan for who and what we can be in our lives? When we get over identified with the roles that we serve in our life, we might begin to lose our zest for living.
Roles can be like a straight jacket that restrict us to only being able to fill the qualities of the part that we play in that role. It does not allow for creativity and is at the heart of feeling “stuck“. Watch as Dr. Natalie helps us better understand in this video why roles are so restrictive and how we can change that in our lives.
Come to our monthly Master Class for FREE, in an intimate coffee and conversation setting. This is a great place to get some FREE Group Coaching from Dr. Natalie, helping you be the best version of yourself all the time. Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will be part of the mailing list to hear about the topics and get the video highlights sent out afterwards, so it is well worth it.
Or, if you are looking for something a little more in depth, take a look at the Online Courses to help your with your personal growth and development.
How to Beat the “I Know Better”s
“I know better!” How many times have you uttered those words? And how many times have you been frustrated, angry, maybe even a little rageful that you did it again anyway? You are in good company my friend, because we all have been caught in that cycle.
The question really is how to get out of the cycle. I have been asked this so many times in my practice that I recognize that this is a learning opportunity for all of us, not just those in therapy. The truth of the matter is this is part of our human wiring, based in our brain. We repeat old behavior patterns when we aren’t even thinking about it. Why do you ask? Because our brain thinks for us.
That’s right! Our brain has a way to rewire itself so that it can do things without even asking our conscious awareness for input. So pesky patterns first develop from a behavior we thought met a particular need. We repeated the behavior enough that now our brain does it despite our “knowing better.”
Want to learn how to rewire your brain and stop these pesky patterns? Watch the video below.
How to Increase Your Joy by How You Tell Your Story
Did you know that the way that you tell your story to yourself and others greatly impacts how you see the world? Many of us don’t think of it this way, however Dr. Natalie helps us in this video to understand how the two are linked. She goes on to help us understand how to catch ourselves when we are telling a story that is creating or accentuating our suffering. She helps us to see that by changing our story we can change the outcome of our perceived enjoyment of our lives.
How to Boost Inspiration
Are you a women in midlife that feels like the life transition you are in has you falling flat and feeling less inspired? Dr. Natalie talks in today’s Vlog about how this is a normal stage in any major life transition and what causes this to occur. She also shares with us a tip on how to reconnect our inspiration with our goals in action. Take a look.
Come to our monthly Master Class for FREE, in an intimate coffee and conversation setting. This is a great place to get some FREE Group Coaching from Dr. Natalie, helping you be the best version of yourself all the time. Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will be part of the mailing list to hear about the topics and get the video highlights sent out afterwards, so it is well worth it.
Or, if you are looking for something a little more in depth, take a look at the Online Courses to help your with your personal growth and development.
How to Give Yourself “More Self-Love”
There is an old SNL skit with Will Farrell and Christopher Walken, where they are at a recording studio trying to get a song right and the only feedback Christopher Walken gives is “More Cow Bell!” I think we should all think of self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion, self-care, and all the “self-“s in this manner. Anytime you are feeling off, down, anxious, etc., give yourself the advice “MORE SELF-LOVE”. It is the key.
In today’s Vlog Dr. Natalie will talk about how we have all been carefully taught to be judgmental of ourselves, yet likely no one ever sat you down to teach you how to love and care for yourself. As a woman in our culture this is especially true and exceptionally hard to work against when in midlife. The tip today is a trick about how to see yourself from another’s perspective. We may have skills for caretaking others, even though we don’t apply them to ourselves. Listen to how Dr. Natalie tells us to capitalize on what we do know, to help us do what we don’t know.
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Fall in Love with the “You” Others Know
Dr. Natalie shares with us in her latest Vlog, a new way to look at ourselves. She walks us through her tip on how to see ourselves through the lens of others, who love and care about us. It may seem like an obvious way to practice more self-love, yet most of us never think to do this for ourselves. Do yourself a favor and take a listen to this and learn to love the version of “You” others have been in love with all along.
Why wouldn’t we change some thing about ourselves that’s irritating? I’ll tell you why…because it’s not a part of us that needs changing. It’s a part of us that needs acceptance. It’s a part of us that needs loving. It’s a part of us. And therefore it should not be something that we reject but some thing that we pull close. But what if these aspects of our self are in opposition to other aspects of our self? How do we accept those? This is the paradox. That two seemingly opposite things can be true at the same time, even when they are opposite things about ourselves. These can be excepted. These can coexist. And the way we facilitate peace about this is through loving all aspects of our self…the good, the not good, and everything in between.
And know, I have a monthly Master Class for FREE, in an intimate coffee and conversation setting. This is a great place to get some FREE Group Coaching from me, helping you be the best version of yourself all the time. Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will be part of the mailing list to hear about the topics and get the video highlights I send out afterwards, so it is well worth it.
Or, if you are looking for something a little more in depth, take a look at the Online Courses that I offer to help people with their personal growth and development.
Advice For “Adulting” Well
We do this funny thing in our culture. We have set an arbitrary age as the age when one becomes an adult. And it’s not in our 30s or even in our 20s. This is the age of 18. And how ridiculous is it that we find ourselves telling 18 year old humans that they are adults?
Today my son turns 18. He’s my firstborn and the one that so lovingly allowed for me to become a mother. Not unlike many other women that I know, becoming a mother was really the becoming of me in general. Something about being responsible for another human as they grow, really creates space for us to become aware of ourself. My experience has been no different. I learned who I was in the process of helping this human make it to 18 years of age.
We are not at 18 years old ready for this world. I promise you that many of us aren’t even ready for this world when we hit our 40s, 50s, or even 60s. I have done enough hours of therapy with clients across the couch to know that this arbitrary idea that there is an “age of adulthood” is one that messes with us. We have the sense that we “should” know better, however we only end up “shoulding” on ourselves. And by the time we have contorted ourselves so many times that we are feeling anxious and depressed and show up in the office of a therapist, we have really caused ourselves some damage.
So here is a bit of advice that I have gained over the course of the last 18 years as I have parented my children and more importantly come to discover my own adult self. It isn’t earth shattering, and it isn’t even stuff that you haven’t heard others talk about. Yet these lessons are the ones I most want to impart on my young son as he passes this arbitrary age from innocence to adulthood. They are also the very lessons that I aspire to follow daily. And I think they could be lessons that are helpful for you too.
1. Lead with love, kindness, and understanding. This little cocktail can get you through almost anything. When we come to even the most difficult of situations with our attention on staying loving and kind, it is nearly impossible not to become understanding. When we lead in our own resentment, fear, and misunderstanding, what tends to occur is that we miss that folks on the other side are just human and doing the best that they know how with what they have and know at that time. The issue is not that people aren’t trying. It’s that they don’t know different. When we lead with love, kindness, and understanding we can open up the doorway to knowing better, for ourselves and for others.
2. Fail a whole ton. And I mean it! Fail so many times that it’s epic. Why would I say this? Because the key to risk-taking, creativity, and discovery in one’s life is in their willingness to fall flat on their face. You cannot expect any human to be able to do things well on a first try. Once in a while we may get lucky, yet most of the time it takes us several iterations before we get there. So in the meantime…fail generously. We need you to take risks, because we need you. We need what is unique about you. The world is craving whatever wonder it is that you are here to give us. Yet if you are too scared to fail and restrict yourself from ever trying, we may miss out on learning what this wonder is entirely.
3. This last one has been a stickler for me. I would tell you that I am still actively working on doing this well. And I imagine I will continue to work on it. It is definitely one of the hardest lessons that I have learned, yet one of the most valuable. So here goes…
Disappoint as many people as you need to in order to NEVER disappoint yourself. I’m serious! There has been some cultural/social conditioning we have all undergone that tells us we should actually contort ourselves in order to please others. It creeps into things that we do all of the time. Go back to number two above. If we were able to allow ourselves to be fallible and make mistakes, we would never miss out on being creative. Yet, this unsaid rule that we are somehow responsible to be the best version of ourselves the first time for the sake of others, cripples us from taking the risks we need to and making the mistakes we have to, in order to be the very people we are supposed to be. The only remedy to this is to disappoint others. Do it every single time that you need to in order to never sacrifice yourself. Who you are is your most precious resource! Guard this with your life! And most certainly guard against EVER disappointing this life.
So there it is. My little bit of advice to my 18-year-old son as he enters into “adulthood“. Adulting is hard. Being human is REALLY hard. These are just a few guide posts. Easy to remember, yet effortful to practice. I promise you however, there is no time in your life when you won’t find these useful.
How to Live Our Best “MID”Life
Where are the role models for women? Especially those in midlife. Who are we to look up to as the ideal for living our best life once we hit that “certain” age? Its like there are no narratives in our culture for how to be “killing it” at our age. So what are we to do?
Watch Dr. Natalie’s vlog on this issue and her suggestion for how we start to re-write our stories, so that we learn to love the narratives for women in midlife, instead of fighting against the narrow stories that our culture, families, and religions have handed to us. She helps us to understand how in having very few narratives in our culture that guide us on how to be living our BEST mid-LIFE as women, we are actually lead to believe we are not good enough. She offers us a tip on how to start and re-write our own narratives and learn to love our stories.
Do any of these sound like you?
-
- Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
- Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
- Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
- Have lost your way
- Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
- Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
Dr. Natalie’s Online Courses and Coaching CAN HELP. Click below and get started.
You don’t want to miss a thing we are doing here at LearnToLoveYourStory.com. From our weekly podcasts to our library of blogs and videos that can help you step into a more centered life. Allow Dr. Natalie to guide you on this empowering adventure to break free, rediscover your passion, and create the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself. Your journey to empowerment starts here. Join our Mailing List today!
Need more clarity on your midlife journey? Sign up for a complimentary call with Dr. Natalie to explore if her transformative coaching program aligns with your aspirations. Get personalized answers to your questions and discover if Dr. Natalie can help you untangle where you life is now and design the life you want to be living. Don’t miss the opportunity to embark on a life-changing experience – schedule your complimentary call today and take the first step toward designing the life you deserve! Please press the “START” button below to answer a few questions and schedule your consultation:
Keywords: self-care, self-awareness, midlife, midlife crisis, Dr. Natalie Marr, Dr. Natalie’s Tips on Living, Learn To Love Your Story
Disclaimer
The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
CALL 988
Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/
Text HOME to 741741
How to Feel Good Enough
One of the single most devastatingly undermining stories we tell ourselves is that we are not good enough. The worst part of this is how it is held in place by culture…particularly marketing that is seeking to create a pain point of your being not good enough in order to sell you on the idea that a product may make you good enough. All of it is a giant fallacy, yet one that has real life consequences on our sense of self-worth or lack of it. Listen to Dr. Natalie talk on this issue and offer a tip on how to crawl out of this rut and into feeling better about ourselves.
Why is it SO Hard to “Say No” to Perfectionism
Do you remember the DARE programs that started with First Lady Nancy Reagan in the 1980s (or as my kids tell me…in the ancient times:)? There motto, “Say No to drugs”. Those DARE programs are still around in some format in schools, still trying to tell our kids to “Say No to drugs” and I am not sure that its working out as well as we would like.
Saying “No” to perfectionism is also not working. I know we all want to “Say No”, yet then we all fall back into our same old ruts with it. We want to be the ideal. We think that if we are not working towards this ideal than we will not be making progress. We think that we are “lazy” or “don’t have a passion” for what we are doing if we aren’t striving towards perfection.
Listen…perfection is not just armor against shame as Dr. Brené Brown has so aptly demonstrated for us in her shame research over the last two decades. Perfectionism is a coreset. It is a self-inflicted restraint that we place on ourselves to look and be the way we think others want us to be, while it slowly takes our breath away and our own inner strength to be authentic in the face of what culture, society, or our family tell us to be.
So what are we to do to stop this beast? First of all, you must change your mindset about what you are doing. We will not be able to “stop” perfectionism’s pervasiveness in our society, nor remove it from the habitual way in which we approach our lives. What we can do is start to be more aware of it and make adjustments for how we will show up in the different areas of our life that perfectionism has taken up residence.
“That sounds hard Dr. Natalie!” Indeed, it is hard and the effort we exert to do this work will help us strengthen our resources in many other ways. Think of it like this, perfectionism becomes the rumble strip we work with in order to strength train our healthy emotional wellness skills. This is the mindset shift I am referring to. Instead of thinking of perfectionism as an enemy to get rid of, think of it as a set of weights that you are using to strengthen your muscles around new skills you are building. When perfectionism shows up, you can choose to use or not use the new skills you’re building to let go of the old perfectionism pattern.
If this sounds interesting to you…please join us for our next FREE Summer Workshop with Dr. Natalie LIVE, coming up on Tuesday July 20 at 7pm CST. Click Here to register.
