Have you ever had one of those days that you felt sucked into the vortex of negativity? Like you can’t do anything right? Or like Murphy’s Law is beating you down? Then this is the Vlog for you. Dr. Natalie shares with us one of her own personal experiences of feeling she is being taken in by this and helps learn how to pivot into a new direction.
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So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
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Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
You know how I harp on good self-care all the time in these blogs and vlogs. Why do you ask? Because at the crux of what interferes with our ability to love our own stories is the strong programming and conditioning that taking care of oneself is somehow selfish. I’m going to help you blow that whole idea out of the water entirely.
Being good to ourselves has long been considered as taking time away from those we love or our purpose in life. As if the time for self-care is an indulgence that draws us away from where we “should” be. Well I am not a proponent of “should”ing on ourselves. For a long time in my own life I bought into this programming and conditioning that I must first put all things other than myself ahead of me and if I had time left over, then I could do the things I wanted. I have since changed my tune and am a strong advocate of others doing the same.
What research shows us over and over again, is that making self-care an afterthought compromises our ability to do the “selfless” things we want to do. It cripples us because as we run on empty, without enough care for ourselves, we start to do permanent damage and sometimes irreparable damage to ourselves as a result. Then we are left with less ability to care for those we love or serve our life‘s purpose.
This seems so backwards when you read it, right? It makes good common sense that you would need to be in your best shape in order to do the things that those who depend on you, need from you. Well, its not like that hasn’t occurred to humans before this. But it still bumps up against other social programming and conditioning that evaluates for us what is “good” and “not good” self-care. Well…guess what? All the conditioning is doing is preserving a system that supports and values self-sacrifice above self-care. It just gets sneaky about how it does it.
Take physical exercise for instance. This has popularly been thought of as a suitable form of self-care in the past 50 years or so, and something that one can make time for in their life. But think about the whys behind this. Is this meant to help us as a form of self-care? Or is the popularizing of this more to do with the strong programming and conditioning around how we look being a strong indicator of our worth in our culture? And furthermore…isn’t there a ton of money that is being made by a handful businesses as a result of the exercise industry? Seriously! This is not being done with our individual best interest in mind.
Now, this doesn’t mean exercise can’t be a fine form of self-care. It just means we must really shift our entire perspective on what it means to be “selfless” versus what it means to be “selfish”. All this month, I will be showing you how self-care is the cornerstone of being selfless, counter to what our social programming and conditioning has been telling us all along. Take a look at last week’s and this week’s vlog to learn more.
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So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Dear Dr Natalie, I’m kind of embarrassed to ask this question, because I feel like I have a pretty good life. I have been married for 19 years, have two kids, and have an ok job that makes decent money. That’s just it. I feel like I have all the things that I set out to do, but I am still unhappy. Its so confusing to me, because honestly if I had it to do over again, I am not sure where I would have made different choices in my life. And now that I am so far into my life, I’m too exhausted to even think about changing things. But it bothers me that even when I stayed on the straight and narrow path that I was taught to follow that I am still so unhappy with my life. What’s wrong with me? I did everything right?!? What gives? Why am I still unhappy? And how do I fix this?
– Sincerely, Confused and Dissatisfied
Dear Confused and Dissatisfied,
I hear you loud and clear. And just so you know you are in good company, because so many women in midlife struggle with this discontent with where their lives are at and don’t have the first idea of how to get through that. It may seem like you are the only one and like you should be embarrassed because your life from the outside looking in looks good, but you are not alone and you have no need to be embarrassed. I assure you.
First of all, try to stop being hard on yourself about feeling this way. Its hard enough to be unhappy, lets try to spare you the added grief of judging yourself unkindly for having those feelings. They are absolutely normal. I mean, come on, if you ordered a new piece of furniture online and started to assemble it, but the end product looked nothing like what you ordered, wouldn’t you be unhappy? I would. Most of us would. And that is what is happening here. We were told if we followed a prescriptive life of getting married, finding a good job, and having kids, we would be happy. And yet, that is not the case.
Why is that not the case, you ask? Well, because no one took into consideration in creating the definition for this prescriptive life all the unique lived experiences we have collectively. We are all individuals and have individual likes, dislikes, needs and wants. Anytime you cookie cutter things, only about two thirds of the population will be reasonably satisfied. That leaves at least a third of us scrambling entirely, and even within that two thirds only about a third are at a high level of satisfaction. But the worst part is, we are then shamed into thinking we must be doing it wrong or something is wrong with us, or we would be happy. The gaslighting effect of this is that we start to question our own judgment…are we unhappy legitimately or are we asking for too much, or are we selfish, needy, and should change our attitudes and adjust our desires? Answer, NOTHING IS WRONG WITH YOU! YOU ARE NOT SELFISH, NEEDY, OR ASKING FOR TOO MUCH! You are wanting to be happy and that is a biologically driven need and your biology is telling you, life has missed the mark thus far.
So I have a video here for you to watch and learn a little more about what I think the real question underneath this question is and make some suggestions on how you can start to “fix” this. I put “fix” in quotes because those are your words. I remind you that you are not broken. Your body and mind are dissatisfied with your life and are telling you that. It isn’t you that’s broken. It’s the IDEA that we all should be able to enjoy the same kind of life that is broken. Humans are way too unique for that to be true.
Disclaimer: The content on this page is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums. If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources): National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255 Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/ Text HOME to 741741
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
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So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Are you somebody who tries to control everything? I don’t know about you, but this was one of my favorite ways to try and solve all of my problems for most of my life. Perfectionism, overwhelm, and continual worry were constant companions of mine. I thought if I could just control the situation then my life would get better. And I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for my life to get better. I was doing all of the right things, I was being perfect as much of the time as I possibly could handle, I was not accepting my mistakes lightly and was very hard on myself to correct them. Yet life still felt…well shitty.
This would culminate during major life transitions. For instance after my first divorce and becoming a single parent to an infant son I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “but I did everything right?” Or after I buried both my parents and was left with the aftermath, I would think to myself “Why is this so hard? I knew that they were dying? I went to counseling about this? Why am I still feeling so awful?” But after my most recent iteration of this, a second divorce and financial upheaval, I didn’t even bother asking myself those questions. I just plummeted into the existential crisis of why in the hell is life so hard? Why when I do all the things right, does it not matter anyway?
Have you found yourself in one of these places? If you have you’re in good company. There are a lot of us out here who know that life does not go as planned. Yet we still cling to our desire to control our lives as our only antidote to this. Where did we get that idea? Where did we learn that if we did everything perfect then life would be OK? That was where my curiosity decided to fix itself after my last life upheaval. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Where I had gotten the idea that controlling my life was the answer? Where had we all gotten it?
And what is my favorite part about struggling with this idea of control? I’m a Clinical Psychologist of two decades. It’s not like I don’t have a lot of knowledge in this area, I just had a case of the “I know betters“ like nobody’s business. The emotional side of my brain was not letting the rational side of my brain act for me, so I would go back to my constant companion of trying to control my life over and over. This time though…I was determined to get to the bottom of this. Why control? Why doesn’t it work? Why do we think control should work? And what do we do instead, since control doesn’t work? So I started to investigate. I started to think about why is it that control really doesn’t work? Why is it that being rigid doesn’t seem to answer all our problem?
Our own bodies are a super power for managing the unpredictable. Literally wired to be able to take on whatever comes their way. Does your stomach know what you’re gonna be eating today? Do your lungs know what the quality of the air will be today? Does your body’s immune system know if it’s going to take on a virus and avoid a cold or flu today? No. The plain and simple answer is no. Our body doesn’t know what’s coming its way and yet never complains about it’s job of taking on whatever that is. So if my DNA created that biology for my body, why am I not using this adaptation superpower in other areas my life?
The answer to that question is an interesting one. Because we have been programmed and conditioned that being perfectionistic is more important. We bypassed some of the strategies that would allow our human psyche to pivot out of life challenges, like our body pivots out of new stimuli each and every day. So how do we tap into this adaptive skill that is in our DNA? And why in the heck weren’t we taught this in the first place?
How can we tap into this skill I can answer in five neat steps for you. Why weren’t we taught this in the first place, is a much bigger question. So let’s start with the five steps you need to take to be able to tap into the adaptation superpower you are already hardwired to do. To be agile and take on all life throws at you, without knowing what’s coming your way and to do so with grace, kindness, and understanding.
Step One – Stop looking for validation outside of yourself.
This one’s tough people. This is not what we were taught to believe. Right from the start our validation came from outside of us. Our parents encouraged us when we were learning things. Our teachers graded us when we were in school. Our peers chastised us if we went outside what was “cool“. And into our adulthood our partners, coworkers and communities were telling us if we were doing our lives well or not. I want you to think for a minute how ridiculous that sounds. How does SOMEBODY ELSE know if I’m doing MY LIFE well? How do they even know? They don’t. That’s the truth. They know only what I let them see and they have no idea what’s going on inside me…what I am keeping hidden from them. So why do I care what they think so much? Easy. You were taught to care what they think. You were taught that your opinion of yourself was very insignificant and that the place that you look to know if you’re doing life well is outside yourself.
This is step one. Flip that on its head. Your opinion is really the only one of significance with regard to how you’re doing in your life. There are lots of ways to tap into that. For starters, knowing what you’re feeling in your body at any given time. Our bodies are great instruments for telling us if something is OK or not. We feel energized, content and sometimes even joyous when we’re in alignment with what we should be doing in life. When you’ve found your purpose and you’re following through on that purpose, you know it in your bones. Yet, when you start to feel super crummy (a.k.a. I feel like my life is shitty even though I’m doing all the right things) then you know something is amiss. It does not matter if everybody is telling you that you’re doing life well. If you feel in your body life is shitty…then life is shitty and you need to shift something.
Listen, I know that we love our whips. I know that our internal self critics have all kinds of things to say to us about how we’re doing things the wrong way. I know how internal self critics love to jump on us when we actually have done something wrong. I know that this internal self critic is coming from a good place, trying to correct our behavior and pull us into the right direction. And, I know that almost never works out that way. We do not learn out of fear. We survive out of fear. We do not live, do not learn, and do not like our lives when we come from fear. So please, for the love of all that is holy, put away the whip.
This is actually tied to step one. We were taught that our opinions of ourselves were very insignificant while other peoples opinions of us were very important. Guess where that self critic came from? It wasn’t out of yourself. I know you think it was, and our self critics have our voices, so its easy to believe its a part of us. In actuality, our self critics are an internalized version of that external validation that we’re seeking. Your internal critic is going to tell you what everybody on the outside would tell you. This is not a reliable source. Unless, of course, you use your internal critic as an example of what not to do. Then do what is opposite to what your internal self critic is focusing on. Using it this way can be useful. I call that a rumble strip.
Step Three – Be kind and understanding as you’re growing
This goes with number two and number one, but it does deserve its own step. Kindness and understanding doesn’t mean permission to be a lump on a log. It doesn’t mean that I am saying to you just roll and wallow in your own self-pity. What it means is don’t get out of whip and expect that you’re going to respond well to that. Do come along side the part of you that has made a mistake and created a mess in your life, hold that part of you very tightly, and whisper into that part’s ear “It’s going to be OK! I’m here now. I get how we got here and I will stay with you while we figure out how to get out of here.”
That is what we need. Not a whip. We need to know that someone has our back and that someone needs to be our self. Not some hippie dippy mumbo-jumbo that a psychologist is throwing at you, a legitimate need to feel like we have our own back. Because honestly, if we don’t then who does?
Life is not easy and it takes a lot of energy so if you’re not replenishing yourself you’re going to run out. It’s pretty simple math people. And I hate math. But it is pretty simple. If you aren’t caring for yourself above and over all things in your life, nothing you ever do in your life will be at its full potential. End of sentence. That is the truth. I know we don’t wanna hear that, and I definitely know it’s not in alignment with our whips, our internal self critics, or the programming and conditioning that we’ve received that putting ourselves first is selfish. Throw away that rhetoric right now! Get a self-care plan in place as soon as possible. And radically approach your self-care as a necessary need that you have to meet every single day. Like eating. Using the bathroom. Breathing. I promise you this is pivotal. You really can’t do all the other stops if you’re not doing this one.
This one sounds pretty funny but it is so true. Humans are very predictable. We like a good game. Well…we like to WIN a good game. We don’t like to lose and so it is good to play off of this innate inner joy. Make a game. Make a game of everything you do. Challenge yourself. Allow yourself to morph the rules to your advantage. The ultimate goal is YOUR JOY. So even things like your work or the most mundane parts of your life that have to get done, can be transformed into a game. And when you do this, they become so much easier. You’re the only player. You’re the rule maker. And this allows a flexibility like nobody’s business.
Now, on a neurological basis what I’m really asking you to do is to go outside your box all the time. If you want to land in the place where you’ve been before keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to do all the right things only to arrive at a place where life feels shitty, then by all means do what you know to do and what you have been doing all this time. It is a tried and true map to that destination. However, if you want life to be different you’re going to have to do things differently.
And the worst part of that, is how uncomfortable it feels. Like excruciatingly uncomfortable. Yet if you make a game out of it, it engages a part of your brain that is made for creativity. Our right brain. Not language-based. Sometimes not all that logical. Our right brain puts together pieces that don’t go together usually. But it allows us to work outside our box, which will take us to a new destination. Now if you get to the destination and don’t like it, change the rules again. Make it a game again. Keep working at winning in your life. It’s fun. You’ll enjoy it. And honestly. That’s what life should be.
So, no more control…lets do these five steps and find ourselves in a much better place.
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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Your answer:
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FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
Such sage words this young bear spoke into our tiny hearts and souls when we were young and continues to speak into the hearts and souls of children even now. Poor little Piglet. A bit of an anxious fellow, always fussing on something. Pooh, however, aside from the occasional emotional eating binge on honey…Pooh was much more in the present moment.
During the first phase of the Learn to Love Your Story Personal Development Program, we talk about staying in the present moment through mindfulness practices and how our worth is not based on what we do. Even if that has what we’ve been conditioned to think by society, culture, family, and religion. My programs teach that we are worthy just because we exist. So, what’s LOVE got to do with it? Ah my friends. This is truly one of my favorite parts of personal growth.
Love is not something we do (or spell), it is something we feel as a result of a whole host of things. Do you feel love? Really? Do you FEEL it? Or, are you, like our fettered friend Piglet more worried about how you define it or how it performs? If so, listen to Pooh. Love does not do, love is not a word or an action. It’s much more than that.
Sometimes when we get in touch with what we feel, it transcends words and moves beyond a place of articulation. Instead it moves into incarnation. It is an ethereal and some would say divine force that transforms into our behaviors, thoughts, and emotions. Stay present. Stay in tune with your feeling. Experience love in all its fascinating forms. It doesn’t always present as joyful, because it is more soulful.
And not only that, Love is an anchor for us. It is a way for us to come back to ourselves. Our love of others, places, things, activities are our anchors to the feeling of being safe, secure, and connected in this world. Love helps us to know there are things that are so much bigger than this moment we find ourselves suffering through.
When we are feeling overwhelmed with stress or negative emotions, it can be really hard to shift perspectives. One way I am teaching how to do this in the Learn to Love Your Story Personal Development Course is by anchoring. I have my coaching groups work on making a list of those people, places, and things that help them feel the most grounded in the feeling of being loved. Merely bringing these items to mind can help anchor us back to the present moment.
Try it sometime…bring to mind an event when you felt loved. Make it as real as possible in your minds eye. Use all five of your senses as you bring up the image in your head. It is amazing how quickly your emotions can shift, just by re-experiencing the feeling of being loved and of loving. It’s a neat trick to have up your sleeve.
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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Your answer:
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You got {{SCORE_CORRECT}} out of {{SCORE_TOTAL}}
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FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
When I started LearnToLoveYourStory.com I had an idea of what I was trying to accomplish, yet it wasn’t fully formulated in my mind yet. I knew that there were ways I have helped people through counseling and helped myself in my own life transitions that over and over again worked well to help people pivot out of any painful experience. What an amazing super power!!! An amazing resiliency skill!!! And what better time to share such knowledge than after a worldwide pandemic that has caused a sister pandemic…a mental health crisis.
I knew there was a thread that goes right to the heart of why any of us struggle. Why any of us feel human suffering. Why any of us ever doubt ourselves or our capability to handle a situation. In the beginning I struggled to put my finger on what it was exactly.
So I just kept following my intuition on this journey of creating content to help people pivot out of any life transition, any need for a change in their life, and any human suffering of which they are a part. As I sit back and reflect and look at all of what I have created as a whole, it becomes clear that this resiliency skill of growth mindset really is a super power. If one is always ready for change, then no major harm will come from any life transitions. In a way, you are always ready.
That said, it kept bugging me that right under the surface there had to be a reason why all of us experience some suffering during change, or at least are very uncomfortable. What is it? Why do we continue to repeat old behavior patterns even when they don’t work? And why do we cling to them so much, even when we know they no longer serve us? I know how to work with people individually in therapy when these patterns show up in their lives. I do this by helping them unearth their own participation in their suffering and make the changes they want, in order to change this pattern. But why is it that we all suffer in the same patterns over and over, generation after generation, transmitting intergenerational traumas to one another? There had to be an answer to this…right?
Well here is something you should know about me, if you haven’t taken the time to read the About the Author page. At a very young age, living in an alcoholic family home, walking on the eggshells of when the next shoe would drop from which parent for what issue, I created my own super power. I see patterns. Seems simple I know, yet it has come in handy in more ways than I can count. I can see patterns in individuals. I can see patterns in systems. I can see patterns in all of us. So this puzzle, was just another challenge for me.
What is the common thread in the pattern of continuing to participate in our own suffering?
And then it hit me. Constructs. Definitions. Roles. Scripts. Rules. What is hurting us the most is our own making. This is not surprising to me, because when I help people to pivot out of their own pain during life transitions, it generally is because we discover how they’ve participated in their own suffering by clinging to old ways of thinking what they “should be” like instead of loving who they are now.
Why is it that we cling so heavily to pre-fabricated ideas of who, what, how, when, and why we “should be” who we are? Our suffering is born out of our own discomfort that we aren’t exactly like we think we “should be”. It is nourished by the shame we inflict on ourselves and towards others, judging how much we miss the mark and aren’t afforded the privileges of being who we think we “should be”. And it damns us to an eternal repetition of these destructive patterns, when we weave into the fabric of our families, societies, and cultures these definitions of who, what, how, when, and why we “should be” a certain way.
So in case I’ve lost you, let me slow down a bit. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. A common midlife issue is the impact of aging on the body. Men and women both have their own versions of discomfort with this. There are wrinkles, weight gain, and aches and pains. Not to mention things like menopause, heart disease, metabolic disease, and respiratory disease. Need I say more? These illnesses start to plague this midlife group at a higher rate than they did when this group of people was younger. Now, why is it that we complain about these changes to our bodies in midlife? Seems like a weird question I know, but go with me. We complain about these changes because we have a definition of what our bodies “should be“. We have an ideal of what a beautiful body looks like…young, healthy, athletic, attractive.
Yet all of these descriptors are subjective. It’s in the eye of the beholder or or in this case, in the hands of those who make and uphold the definitions. So when I’m talking to a client who is struggling with how she looks because she is aging, and this causes her feelings of depression, it is not the depression that is the problem. It is the definition of what she “should” look like. The depression is the symptom of the real problem…that she is holding herself to an unattainable, unfair, and harmful standard of what her body “should be”. Who made up this definition? And why in the hell are we following it so rigidly that we would create depression over it?
And there it is my friends. Hidden in plain sight. Right in front of our noses. The reason we suffer is that we cannot attain all of these definitions of who we “should be”. It is humanly impossible to be young and aged at the same time. It is possible however, to have different definitions of beauty for different ages. And yet, we stay stuck. We do what we’ve always done. We still believe the unsaid rules that tell us that aged bodies aren’t as beautiful and vibrant as young bodies, and this reinforces the belief that aged bodies are somehow lesser. And this is just one example. And it’s just one layer. You can layer suffering on suffering. What if your in midlife, divorced twice, and a single mom (for the second time). I am. And our world has lots of ideas and definitions about what that means about me. None of them are flattering.
What if we changed the game? What if instead of engaging in the hustle for our worthiness or the rat race towards trying to meet as many of these standards of how we “should be” as we can at the same time, what if we break all the rules and rewrite the rulebook? And even more than that, what if we give license to all of us to have our own rulebook that applies to us individually? What if we stop judging one another, shaming one another, against ideals that we never created for ourselves in the first place? It’s an interesting proposal isn’t it?
The long and the short of it…LearnToLoveYourStory.com is here to help you do this. That’s what I’ve been successfully teaching people to do for two decades. I would love to help more than the very few that I can sit across the couch from offering therapy. I would love to open more eyes in a compassionate lens to see the fact that it is the definitions of how you “should be” that are killing you. It’s not the anxiety. It’s not the depression. It’s not the midlife crisis. Those are symptomatic of what the real problem is underneath. And my friends the problem underneath, hidden in plain sight, is that we are all holding ourselves accountable to definitions of how we “should be”, when we never had a chance to decide what those definitions are. When you work with me I will give you the tools to change that. Wouldn’t it feel better to Learn to Love Your Story? Click the links below to learn more about how to work with me.
Do any of these sound like you?
Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
Have lost your way
Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
Dr. Natalie’s Online Courses and Coaching CAN HELP. Click below and get started.
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Disclaimer
The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
Come on. You know that you are. We ALL are irritated when people break the rules! And Dr. Natalie is here to help you with some tips today about this very thing.
“But WHAT is the thing Dr. Natalie?“
The thing is called programming and conditioning. The concept being there is a “Book of Rules” in our lives that shapes how we live. And when we bump up against these rules, because they are not working for us or others are stepping outside the bounds, we get irritated. And we bump up a lot. For instance when you notice you are struggling with what you want to do, feeling pressured, or are just over saturated with what your goals in life should be to name a few examples.
Take a look at this video and see how Dr. Natalie breaks it down and then gives you a tip on what to do next.
FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
Remember when you were a young adult. You had enough experience under your belt to feel in control but not enough to feel the pull of “being comfortable”, taking the “predictable job”, or heaven forbid “settling down”. What happened to that part of you? Where is she now? I think for many of us we willingly set these hopes and dreams aside to start families, pursue careers we weren’t afraid to take risks in, and just because the societal conditioning we were raised in told us “it’s time”.
Now we are entering our midlife and some of the very roles we chose to settle into are changing or even ending. We aren’t raising little kids, but young adults now. And those children are starting their own lives outside of us. Not only that, but about 15% of adult women in the United States are divorced or separated and by midlife that statistic becomes even more haunting. Our lives are different. And we are feeling the stress of this transition. We aren’t sure we are ready to go into the next phase. And we certainly don’t even remember how to have hopes and dreams for ourselves outside of those we serve.
There is a way to take your life back. To return to that risk taking young adult you once were with lofty ideas of what your life would be. It is not too late…in fact this is just the right time. Take a listen to Dr. Natalie’s Vlog on the matter.
FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
I know this is a funny picture but it is so representative of what risk looks like in midlife. A carry on bag and a borrowed neck pillow from my elementary school kid. Yup. That’s what risk looks like right now.
I preach a lot on here about stepping into doing what is authentic to you. Pushing aside the social conditioning of the world and saying yes to that inner voice. Well guess what? One of the things I always try to do is practice what I preach and share how it went. So what you see here is my carry on bag. In this picture, I am at the airport after a full day of work, waiting for a plane to take off at 9pm towards the next big thing in my life.
Sometime in my youth I started writing books in my head. I started making ideas for how I wanted to change my little corner of the world. And my little corner felt really bleak. It had one actively alcoholic parent and one that was sober, yet ever so invested in the co-dependent cycle of accepting her alcoholic husband as he was and the “life” they had promised to one another, with five kids in tow. That’s right! It was in that place where these ideas of mine were in their infancy.
Natalie – Age 2(ish)
And people I wanted to sing it, say it, write it, orate it, teach it, and preach it (that last one pissed me off because as a girl I was not given that chance in my family of origin’s religious affiliation to be a preacher). In my youth, my mind started to run. And I have done a million marathons in my mind since then. So many books, short stories, lyrics written within the boundaries of my intellect. And this quiet Voice inside me has beckoned me for so long.
In my teenage years the voice started to kick up. It told me you are not the wisdom of just you, but generations. You guys!?!? This was decades before I knew about intergenerational transmission of trauma, legacies, or our ability to tap into a collective unconscious that gives us the wisdom of many. I barely had my driver’s license and I distinctly remember a conversation with my girlfriends when I told them I would write a book someday about “All the women in me”. No lie! This actually happened!
Natalie – Age 16
Then there was my twenties. The voice was never dormant. Always narrating for me in the background how I would someday write books, help people journey through their suffering like mine, and of course all while I felt my chief job in the world was to rescue my mother and placate my father. My mom finally and officially left him for the last time, during this decade of my life. I mean people…this story doesn’t get more real. Here I am, barely figuring out how to ride a plane, graduate college, and God forbid find a career and someone to have a family with. But I did it. All of it. Don’t tell ANY member of my family that they can’t deliver. You will lose. EVERY DAMN TIME!!! Yet, my family role was still to be a third parent, the third adult in the household with my two younger siblings, and take care of all the adults and any kids in need. The inner Voice turned soft over this time. Not gone…just very hushed.
Natalie Age 22
Then my thirties came roaring in. I was 29 when my mom was diagnosed with cancer. I was her primary caretaker for a good portion of her three year battle. I entered into my 30th year on this earth knowing that I wouldn’t make it out of this decade in tact. My mom would not make it with me. And I didn’t understand that. Why her? Why the one that I called my best friend (which by the way my psychologist self now knows was enmeshment and not healthy, but my thirty-some year old self didn’t realize that)? Why wasn’t it my dad? He was the alcoholic. He was the one that made bad choices. Well the Universe…she heard me. And at 31 I watched my mom take her last breath. Then 9 months later, when I was just 32, my Dad’s alcoholism had finally caught up with him and he passed away as well. And my inner Voice? She felt broken by all this. She knew it would take a minute to come back from all of it. I mean, I had a kiddo, a divorce, another marriage, and a new kiddo under my belt too during this same decade. It was a rocky road.
So when my forties came I thought for sure it was time to listen. Time to lean into the Voice that wanted me so badly to give the wisdom and gifts bestowed on me to all those women who had set aside their goals and dreams for the safe life of doing what was expected of them. But I had married again in my thirties, subconsciously seeking to fix the wounds of my parents. And that was nagging at me. Don’t worry…at age 43 that endeavor had also blown up in my face and this time the Universe was not playing. She left me a new child to help me stay focused on what was important to me, knowing my mothering was a life vest for me. Yet, my son moved in with his dad in this time. And honestly rightly so! He did not need to witness his mother’s life burning to the ground. But he does get to see the Phoenix of the new version that has arisen. So yet again, another marriage failed, another kid to be a single parent to. People…I let that life of old burn. I let the ideas that were assigned to me of what my life “should” look like, crumble. I let that old story end…and the Voice got louder and more insistent. She was urging me in my growth to start sharing. Not when a book was ready. She wanted me to share now…share raw…and share authentically. So I listened and followed suit.
By my mid-forties I was ready for change in my life. I was ready to take back all the things I had pushed aside for so long, in an effort to live others’ versions of what they thought my life should be. I laughed, I cried, and felt my anger, so that I could start to write, record, and share my wisdom and the generations of wisdom of those before me with the world.
Fast forward to a carry on bag and borrowed neck pillow in the Minneapolis Airport. I have taken some major leaps these past years. Investing time, money, and good old sweat into LearnToLoveYourStory.com. I am finally giving an outer voice to the inner Voice who has been with me all these decades. It has been a transformational experience for me to invest in myself this way.
So what does risk look like in midlife? It looks like this. It looks like a middle aged woman, with a tired old story, who transcended her lived experience to help you transcend yours. It looks like putting my hard earned money where my mouth is and putting together a website, courses, and new business line to bring this knowledge to more people than just the hundreds I can see across the couch in my therapy office. It looks like putting my face online every week, week after week, to tell you this wisdom that lives in my soul. It looks like bloopers and swearing, because I am authentic and want to show you that even a messed up old lady like me has something to share with the world.
I am not perfect. I am not the only authority on middle age. I am not an expert in all things. What I am is myself. And what I have to tell you is my story is your story. I want to share with you what I have experienced, learned, studied, and practiced in the past two decades to help shave some years off of your suffering through living a life you think you “should”…that’s “safe” and inauthentic to the Voice inside you. I am willing to take the risk with you…are you ready to join me?
If so, sign up for FREE Group Coaching For a Year. You won’t regret it. This is step one on your journey to Learn To Love Your Story.
FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
If you know me at all, you know that I am not a big fan of starting the year off by telling yourself “Here is the list of things that are wrong with you and that you need to change.” It sends a powerful message to yourself, when your list of resolutions are items that you are trying to correct in yourself. The implied message is that you are never enough…that you are always a “work in progress”. I say that needs some changing in the New Year.
To start with, let’s not set ourselves up for failure. Instead, I encourage you to take a look at this Vlog and get some ideas for how to better set up your goals.
FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
Happy New Year!! And with the New Year, comes New Year’s resolutions. Right? How many of these have worked out for you across the years. It’s tough to do, right? After a while we can even start to feel ineffective at making things work. Well, I’d like to get you off to a good start with these 5 secrets to making your New Year’s Intentions stick. Why intentions instead of resolutions? Because, you are not in need of resolving something, you are desiring to set out on a new course. You are not broken and in need of a resolution, you are evolving and need of intention to be your guide post as you move into a new year.
Tie your Intention to your own values!
What do you mean doc? What I mean by this is make sure that whatever intentions you have chosen are tied to things that you truly value, not what others value for you or that society tells you that should value. Case in point. The #1 resolution almost every year…lose weight. It’s a decent goal and can be attainable. However, it is also a goal that is laden with cultural values of needing to be be thin to be attractive, healthy, etc. If this is your goal, ask yourself why you want to make this your intention. Is it because you value yourself over other things in your life and need to put yourself first this year? Or is it because you want to fit into those jeans gathering dust on the top shelf in your closet? If it’s the later, my guess is this intention is rooted in a cultural value and not one of your own. Now, that is not to say that you may not value what the culture does, but beware. As the comedian Lily Tomlin once said, “The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat.” If all you are trying to accomplish is to meet the status quo, it may be an empty value. If, on the other hand, you love your family and friends dearly and want to live to be 102, then getting healthy may mean you lose some weight. In this example, the value the goal is tied to is spending time with family and friends (not being thin because American culture tells you that’s valuable).
So how do I know what my values are doc? Wow…that’s a biggie. Sometimes our values are things taught to us in our families of origin, communities, cultures, and faith communities (just to name a few). Ultimately though, they are things that we continue to value ourselves. I don’t think all of us still ascribe to all the things we were taught as kids. So here is a quick test. What are the things that get you charged up the most (positively or negatively)? What are the kinds of things that you would “go to bat” for? Maybe it’s that competitive nature of yours. Or maybe it’s that you are always willing to take on more to help others. Now, once you figure out what things get your charged up, ask yourself, why is that? What need of my own is that serving? For example, with those of us that are competitive is it because being the best is our value? Or, is it that being the best was a value of our family of origin and may no longer serve us? For those of us who are always willing to help someone else, is it because we find value in service? Or, is it because we don’t know how to say no and displease others? This line of questioning can help you get to the bottom of what your values are. Once you’ve got these, be sure that they tie back to your resolutions. You are bound to be more successful if your goals have meaning for you, rather than your goals being meaningful to others.
2. Make your goals measurable.
This one seems very simple, yet it is very important and often forgotten in my experience. Here is what I mean. To go with our earlier example of losing weight, if your goal is just that…to lose weight…won’t you attain it after you have lost 1 pound? While 1 pound of weight loss would actually meet the criteria of losing weight, I am guessing it would be far from what you want to really accomplish. So, for this step, all that is needed is a little more specificity. You could phrase it more like this, “I’ll know I have met my goal of losing weight when I ______.” In that blank, could be any kind of measure. It may be a set weight limit, a set size you want to fit into (like those dusty jeans you have on the shelf), or it can some way that the weight loss makes you feel (e.g. have more energy, sleep through the night, etc.).
3. Set your goals in small attainable increments.
So, this one goes hand in hand with the step above. It seems pretty intuitive, yet I am never surprised when I hear folks struggling with this one. Let’s face it. We want accolades. We like praise. We strive to accomplish things and are disappointed if we miss the mark. But what if our mark is way too high. For example, in our example weight loss goal, if we want to accomplish losing 25 pounds in the first month, we will likely be killing ourselves for a slim chance of attaining the goal. Plus, I am guessing if we want to go that fast with this goal, we probably are off in step one (tying our goals to our values) as well. We will be much more successful and much more engaged if what we are working towards is in stepwise attainable increments, possibly with rewards at each step. We love positive reinforcement. So, if the goal is to lose 25 pounds, we could reward ourselves for each 5-pound milestone. Like a new workout outfit or a new cooking utensil that will help us in our continued goal of a 25 pound weight loss. We do better with ongoing encouragement, than we do with a long term goal with little to no reward on the way to the goal.
4. A “Not” goal is NOT a goal!
This is an absolute No! No! in my book. Alright doc. So, what is a “Not” goal? Here are some examples of “Not” goals.
I will not eat sugar anymore.
I will not cheat with snacks between meals.
If I am tired and don’t want to exercise, I will not give into my laziness.
Goals are not things we are NOT doing, they are things we ARE doing. When you are setting your goals in small attainable increments, make sure you don’t fall into the “Not” goal mistake.
5. And last but certainly not least, don’t forget to FAIL.
Yes, you heard me right. Don’t forget to fail. Failure is a hardwired step in the brain’s learning process. It’s how we know where the boundaries are to what we are learning and how we solidify the steps that we must recall. When young kids learn to talk, one of the most common (and possibly cutest) error they make is to add “ed” to all past tense verbs. For example, instead of saying “Mom, look how I ran” a toddler might say “Mom, look how I runned”. In a literal sense, this is a grammar failure, but in a global sense this is a necessary part of the language learning process.
So, don’t forget to fail. Or maybe I should say, don’t forget to get back up and keep going, learning from your necessary failure. Don’t be scared to make changes to your goals either. You may find that the measurable goals, in attainable small increments, are inching you away from your ultimate intention. In those cases, follow the flow and readjust to get back in alignment with your intention.
I will leave you with a quote that I think best summarizes this last step. I wish you all well in this New Year.
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
The Man in the Arena, by Theodore Roosevelt, an excerpt from the speech “Citizen in a Republic”
FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Did you know that you can book a call and talk to Dr. Natalie directly! She would love to help you personally and answer any questions you have about her offerings. Sign up for her complimentary DEEP DIVE CALL now. No charge. No obligation. Just 30 minutes 1:1 with Dr. Natalie herself.
Dr. Natalie introduces us to the origins of her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com. During this inaugural podcast she talks about her plan to use this podcast to help women in midlife step into their own power at this stage of life by designing the lives that THEY WANT to be living in, instead of living lives that were preordained for them and no longer serve them.
