Conflict Isn’t the Problem…Avoiding It Is

Avoiding conflict leads to more internal stress. As a practicing clinical psychologist I have seen this happening over and over. I think it is especially something that women experience. In her book, Cassandra Speaks, by Elizabeth Lesser (2020), there is a clear review of this historical pattern of trying to suppress women’s voices. It is illustrated in ancient stories and myths, such as from Greek Mythology’s story of a Trojan Priestess named Cassandra. It is told that Cassandra was admired by the Greek god Apollo. Apollo gave her the gift of being able to see the future, and in exchange she promised him her favors (whatever that means…and by the way, it is NOT A GIFT if you ask for something in return, Apollo!!! Just saying!). In truth, Cassandra did not break a promise, rather she did not fall in love with Apollo despite his enticement with the gift. Because he was infuriated by this (the Greek gods were not known for their anger management skills), he cursed Cassandra to always be disbelieved, in spite of the fact that she did in fact know the truth of the future.

I mean, DANG!!! Have you heard that one. I hadn’t until I read Elizabeth Lesser’s book and I was dumb founded by the similarities that exist even today in how women’s spoken wisdom is routinely suppressed, as if it were from an unreliable source, or more commonly stated, its unreliable due to a moody and hormonal source. So we aren’t that far from ancient times I guess. Is this just another example of society shaping our beliefs with what they are teaching us? Maybe.

Many times we as women are taught first “not to make a fuss” or “to keep things comfortable” for all others in our lives. I know that you want to say that we are beyond this people pleasing in our latest generations, but we are not. Case in point, eating disorders many times result from girls and women who are trying to LITERALLY be small enough for society. Or maybe you’d like something a little more specific. When Vice President Kamala Harris had to assert “I’m speaking” in order to finish what she was saying after being interrupted, there seemed to be a reverberation across the country. Small things like interruptions become big things. These insidious means of directing just how much space women are to take up, or how much they are to be heard, lead to a myriad of problems as women internalize this conflict to make sure that “everyone is comfortable” around them. So the problem isn’t in the conflict itself, the real problem is in the message that women are responsible to reduce conflict at all costs…the cost often being themselves.

It doesn’t help that the belief in women’s voices as inferior is still a thing in many cultures. Then this fallacy gets more fueled by gaslighting from our society that women are “too” much of everything for everybody. We are too emotional. We are too compassionate to be rational. We are too sheltered in our primary role as stay at home parents. We are too needed in other caretaking roles than we are in roles of prominence in media, politics, or management. Need I go on? The greatest fallacy is that IF women can somehow be convincing enough of their importance in a nonconflictual way then our point can be taken seriously. Short of that, women are deemed less reliable as sources until we prove otherwise.

If you ask me, one of the biggest reasons society doesn’t want to hear women’s voices is because there are too many voices and too much truth being told by those voices. My sincere opinion is that women are likely to want to hear all voices. Society has acculturated us to be the caretakers right? Society placed us in positions of connection and collaboration with lots of others, correct? Society gender-roled us into being in positions of influence for the masses, because if we aren’t taking care of these masses…who will? So if we begin talking, telling the truth, and we are in the position for others to be hearing it upsets the status quo.

Why is this relevant? Well guess what happens when you start to value women’s voices. Those voices want to value the voices of others. We will want consensus on things and will want to work them out, because this is what we have been taught to do as women. So now it’s a complicated mess of not just honoring the voices of women, but women turning that power around and making it their responsibility to bring voices to the masses. Well we can’t have that (hear sarcasm seeping through that sentence). Thousands of ways to do one thing. It would be sheer anarchy…or at least that is what we have been told it will be. In fact, its more because if we can’t apply generalized rules to a big group its more difficult to manage that group. The better question is, why does the group known as humanity need to be managed?

Society likes rules, because conflict arises when there is more than one way of thinking, feeling, or doing things. And we have been taught conflict is bad…to be avoided at all cost. It is the thing that brings war. Actually…that’s not true. Conflict brings change. It is the catalyst that tells us something doesn’t feel good, fair, or has been outgrown and must be adjusted. War is the ultimate show of “power over”. A method that has been used for millennia to run governments and monarchies. It is only one type of power though. There is also “power with” others and “power to” others. These are traditionally thought of as more feminine versions of power….aka the “lesser” versions of power. Remember Cassandra? Just think of what the “power to” others could have been if they had believed her foretelling? She actually knew the future. And her imparting that wisdom was not intended to be kept to herself but shared with others.

Well maybe there needs to be a reckoning then? Maybe we should all wake up to ways that we can engage in “power with” and “power to” and see if things start to shift. This means, however, that we must have conflict. So relearning what conflict is…the discomfort of change…and that conflict is normal, will be imperative. We must take a different approach to conflict altogether.

My suggestion, start challenging yourself to do uncomfortable things on small levels to build your capacity to tolerate conflict. It gets tougher to tolerate the more that is on the line, so things like asserting to yourself that its ok to NOT clean a room one day, or NOT go run those errands right this minute can be a much softer entrance. When we start to settle in with those little things, then its time to assert ourselves in bigger ways. Maybe ask for help with something…I know…the horror! Start with people that are easier for you to ask for help from and gradually push yourself each time until you notice there is more ease in your sense of conflict.

Tolerating conflict and making ourselves push through is a form of self care. No really!!! And its an act of selflessness. No really!!! Hear me out. When we allow conflict not to be avoided…when we start to tolerate conflict with more skills and agility…when we start to welcome the change that conflict represents…then we start to be change agents in this world. For real!!! We start to harness that “power with” others and ourselves AND “power to” others and ourselves. Folks, this one is a game changer. It is subtle and in its subtlety it has the capacity to start taking over large scales of our population as a whole. We can show how “power with” and “power to” bring balance to the “power over” paradigm we’ve all been living. This may just be the ticket to the peace we all have been looking for. And ironically that peace starts with our disrupting our personal peace by tolerating the conflict of telling our truth.

So, the moral of this blog…don’t bring the conflict into yourself. Women especially. Do not continue a millennia long battle of the sexes. When we internalize the conflict that the out of balance “power over” paradigm has created for us, we perpetuate its power over us. If we want to see change, we must be the change. This is not a Utopian ideal. This is a call to action to start doing small things to tolerate conflict. Because the small things become the big things and we all want the biggest thing, which is PEACE and HARMONY with one another. Give it a try…see what you think.

Try it! And tell me about it by replying below in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how this works for you.

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