Tag Archives: counseling

Dr. Natalie Podcast, Midlife Women

Empty Nest Syndrome: What Nobody Tells You

Summary:

This episode explores the emotional shock many midlife women feel when they drop a child off at college and come home to a quieter house. Dr. Natalie reframes empty nesting as more than just missing a child – it can be a loss of role, identity, and a long-standing way of getting needs met. She also connects this transition to grief, self-worth, caregiving patterns, and the need to build a new relationship with yourself as kids become independent.


Keywords and Phrases

  • empty nesting
  • grief
  • identity loss
  • motherhood
  • caregiving
  • self-worth
  • pattern interrupt
  • self-abandonment
  • midlife transition
  • perimenopause
  • inner critic
  • rebuilding yourself
  • self-reflection

Quotes:

  • “The reward for being a good parent is that they’re gonna eventually not be in our lives every day.”
  • “The person you’re gonna pick up and caretake for the rest of your life, that’s you.”
  • “Self-abandonment is not a great way to manage grief and loss.”
  • “What hurts is not just the child leaving, but the loss of being needed.”
  • The inner critic often shows up when you’re trying something new.”
  • “The work now is building a relationship with yourself.”


Key topics:

  • Empty nesting can feel intolerable because it is not only separation, it is a major identity disruption.
  • Dr. Natalie says many women are grieving the loss of the mom role, not just the child leaving home.
  • If self-worth has been tied to being a “good mom,” empty nesting can trigger a crisis of identity.
  • Some women have also used parenting as the main way they have ever felt loved, which makes the transition even harder.
  • Parenting may have functioned as a coping strategy to numb old wounds, especially for women who grew up in emotionally barren families.
  • Her central message is that the path forward is building a relationship with yourself through reflection, counseling, new friendships, and honest self-inquiry.

Timestamps

(00:00) Why empty nesting hits so hard in midlife

(01:22) The grief of letting kids go

(03:46) When over-contacting children can damage the relationship

(04:16) Grieving the role, not just the child

(05:44) When worthiness gets tied to caregiving

(08:06) Parenting as a source of being loved

(09:03) Grief as a recurring process, not a single emotion

(10:03) Building a relationship with yourself

(11:28) Parenting as a way to avoid other unresolved issues

(12:18) Why counseling or coaching can help in this transition

(13:39) How Gen X women were trained to hide needs

(14:38) Midlife, menopause, and lower distress tolerance

(16:31) Why caretaker dynamics strain adult relationships

(18:27) Relearning relationships and needs outside the family role

(20:48) Empty nesting as a pattern interrupt

(21:47) Moving through transition with less resilience

(23:15) Journaling, reflection, and making space for self-knowledge

(24:42) The inner critic as a sign of change, not failure

(27:09) Giving yourself permission to grieve

(28:32) Reorganizing life around your own needs

(29:31) Why self-abandonment makes adjustment harder

DISCLAIMER:

The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with https://LearnToLoveYourStory.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠, https://NatalieMarrCounseling.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠,⁠⁠ and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.


If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠or CALL 988

Crisis Text Line:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.crisistextline.org/ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or Text HOME to 741741

Dr. Natalie Podcast, Uncategorized

How the Need to Be Needed to Feel Loved Is Wrecking My Midlife Relationships

Summary:

Dr. Natalie explores how childhood trauma and cultural conditioning influence women’s relationships in midlife, emphasizing the importance of self-awareness and self-compassion to foster healthier connections and personal growth.


Previous episode referenced in today’s podcast: https://open.spotify.com/episode/0UrV8UKGgDdedTdw50BUdM?si=HphWMDhFTpCeMN4nJTsbNg

Keywords

midlife, relationships, childhood trauma, self-awareness, self-compassion, women, emotional health, neurochemistry, estrogen, codependency

Key topics

  • Impact of childhood trauma on adult relationships
  • Neurochemical changes during perimenopause
  • The role of estrogen in emotional resilience
  • Patterns of codependency and caretaking
  • The importance of self-awareness and self-compassion
  • Cultural influences on women’s self-worth
  • Strategies for breaking unhealthy relationship cycles
  • The significance of therapy and self-reflection

Takeaways:

  • Childhood trauma creates ingrained relationship patterns that persist into midlife.
  • Estrogen decline in perimenopause reduces stress tolerance and can exacerbate emotional challenges.
  • Self-awareness and self-compassion are crucial for recognizing and changing harmful patterns.
  • Many women unconsciously conflate being needed with being loved due to early life conditioning.
  • Healing involves understanding the origins of these patterns and actively working to rewrite them.

Sound bites

  • “Unhelpful patterns from childhood still shape us.”
  • “Estrogen decline reduces stress tolerance.”
  • “Neurochemicals protect us, but they fade in midlife.”


DISCLAIMER:

The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with ⁠⁠(⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://LearnToLoveYourStory.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠)⁠ ⁠(⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://NatalieMarrCounseling.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠),⁠ and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums. If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):


National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://suicidepreventionlife ⁠⁠or CALL 988


Crisis Text Line:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.crisistextline.org/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠or Text HOME to 741741

Bucking the System, Dr. Natalie Podcast, Midlife Women, Selfish is the New Selfless

The Exhausting Lie that Perfectionism Sold You

Summary:

This episode explores the impact of perfectionism, societal conditioning, and hormonal changes during midlife on women’s mental health. Dr. Natalie shares data, personal insights, and practical advice to help women love themselves and navigate this transformative phase with resilience.

Keywords:

midlife, women, perfectionism, mental health, hormonal changes, self-love, resilience, menopause, societal conditioning

Key topics:

  • Perfectionism and its impact on mental health
  • The connection between hormonal changes and emotional well-being
  • Societal conditioning and self-betrayal in women
  • Practical steps to cultivate self-love and resilience

Sound bites:

  • “Relearn who you are and what you want.”
  • “Deserving love even when you screw up.”
  • “You do not have to be good.”

Chapters:

  • 00:00 The Burden of Perfectionism in Midlife
  • 03:24 Understanding the Mental Health Crisis for Women
  • 11:29 The Impact of Hormonal Changes and Medical Misunderstandings
  • 28:13 Reclaiming Self-Worth and Breaking Free from Perfectionism
  • 36:18 Introduction and Disclaimer
  • 37:55 Crisis Resources and Support

Resources & Links to Connect with Dr. Natalie:

Resources:

DISCLAIMER:

The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with Learn To Love Your Story coaching ⁠⁠(⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://LearnToLoveYourStory.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠)⁠ and her private practice ⁠(⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://NatalieMarrCounseling.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠),⁠ and all affiliate social media entities are educational ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic or coaching services of any kind on these mediums.

If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):

Dr. Marr’s Tips on Living in COVID-19, Self-Awareness, The Effects of Adverse Childhood Experiences on Adult Life

The Difficulty of Being in the Now

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As with many of my blog topics…this one hits close to home. The idea that there are people in this world that struggle to want to be in the present moment, not because of their obligations and responsibilities (although we often guise them as such), rather because the present is the most threatening place of all for us to be.

Think about that? It means we will miss “being” with the people we love, because even when we have the time to do it we don’t have the emotional tolerance for it. And, of course, we are drawn to one another as partners, because the equal intolerance of the present allows us the illusion of being with someone, while in actuality we are participating in parallel role play in many ways. But that is a blog for another day.

I here some of you saying, “What in the hell are you talking about, Doc?”, while others are wondering, “How does she know that about me?”. Let me start from the beginning then, instead of only talking about what the result is once we are in our adulthood.

I think the single most cutting pain an adult who survived adverse childhood experiences will suffer, is that of missing the life they were given in exchange for surviving the life they were ‘told’ to live. Because essentially that is what it boils down to. In their adverse childhood experiences they were ‘told’ what their role was through abuse or neglect of various kinds. They adapted. They were ingenious at being exactly who they needed to be in order to survive the adverse experience. Yet the chief adaptation to not being able to actually leave your abuse or neglect, is for your brain to ‘tell’ you that you have left, by teaching you how to never live in the present. Unfortunately there comes a time when your life becomes stable and you would like to be able to live in the moment. Yet by now, you have honed the skill of feeling threatened by the present and leaving it as soon as you feel you are there.

I think the single most cutting pain an adult who survived adverse childhood experiences will suffer, is that of missing the life they were given in exchange for surviving the life they were ‘told’ to live.

Natalie M. Marr, Psy.D., LP

And there is the rub. If your brain saves you from the damage of living in the present moment during your adverse experiences as a child, then it also will take you away from being in the present later in your life. Not that this can’t be addressed with therapy and healed to some extent…the problem is that many people don’t discover that they are doing this.

Listen, I am a psychologist, and I am still recognizing this tendency in myself. As the adult child of alcoholic parents, there was turmoil in my household. More so towards the end of my parents marriage while my younger two siblings and I still lived in the home and our older siblings were out of the house. I cannot speak for my siblings, but after years of therapy and self-healing work, I can see some clear correlations between how I operate in my adult life and this learned behavior from my childhood of wanting to be anywhere but here. One of the ways I escaped was through acquiring knowledge. Thus I ended up the Valedictorian of my high school class, Magna Cum Laude in college, and had a stellar GPA in graduate school (which I’d honestly have to look at my transcript to remember). I didn’t want to be ’in’ my life, so instead I started to accumulate knowledge with a determination to better understand how life works.

Lucky for you, I have this knowledge and the desire to do my own work, so that I can teach others this stuff in a more tangible way. Not lucky for me, I still struggle to this day with overworking and choosing to be in my head about things work/knowledge related rather than enjoy time with my family and friends. One of the tells around this issue in fact, is the way that I feel almost nervous, like I am forgetting something, when I am just trying to hang out with my kids. I hate this. It was a sad revelation to me when I finally made the connection. Everything in my adult wise mind tells me that I want to be with my kids, want to enjoy those small moments, and want them to enjoy those moments too. Yet, the Limbic system in my brain is screaming at me to leave, threatened to its core that staying here in the moment will result in emotional pain.

photo of woman hugging her children while smiling
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

So, to go back to where we began, there are a lot of us in this world that feel the same way. We know we should want to be in the moment and relish the things. We just can’t seem to make ourselves settle down long enough to really enjoy it. And of course we are all at varying levels of awareness with this as well. Some of us don’t realize it at all, while others are aware and have told themselves the narrative that this is just because they are so busy and have so many obligations. Have you ever questioned why that is? Why you make a point out of finding new responsibilities whenever there is opportunity, almost like you are compelled to do it? Well you are compelled…by your Limbic system. By your childhood survival adaptation of being more preoccupied with what you wanted to do next, to ever stay in the present moment.

It was a sad revelation to me when I finally made the connection. Everything in my adult wise mind tells me that I want to be with my kids, want to enjoy those small moments, and want them to enjoy those moments too. Yet, the Limbic system in my brain is screaming at me to leave, threatened to its core that staying here in the moment will result in emotional pain.

Natalie M. Marr, Psy. D., LP

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I cannot encourage you enough to talk to a counselor or therapist about it. And you may even be a little picky about the kind of counselor or therapist. Ask if they are trained in developmental psychology, attachment theory, the effects of adverse childhood experiences on adult life, Mindfulness based practices, or even just in trauma. These skill sets in mental health professionals are all geared towards helping you uncover the whys behind these tendencies and to help bring it into your self-awareness. Self-awareness becomes a super power of sorts. Just knowing you have the tendency to do this allows space for you to start to train yourself to tolerate being in the present more.

Stay patient with yourself though. This work is slow many times. Remember, if you have spent a lifetime with a brain who believes that being in the present moment is as scary as laying in the tiger’s mouth…well, it’ll be a hot minute before you teach your brain that the present isn’t dangerous.

Emotional Wellness, The New You!

Consider Getting a Personal Trainer…for Your Mind

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I have been counseling others for almost  20 years now and have been receiving counseling off and on for around 30 years, so I forget sometimes that the idea of counseling is a really foreign one for many.  On top of that, mental health issues have all kinds of stigma attached to them.  The sad thing about this, it really pushes people away from counseling when even some brief intervention can be extremely helpful at different times in our lives.  So, in the theme of focusing on our goals for 2024, I thought I’d try to demystify counseling a bit and explain the real value to seeking this out in our lives.

I decided to start back to exercising this year at a local gym.  I am working on my strength training at this stage in my life.  In the past I have joined small personal training groups to help me stay accountable and focused on my training.  Having been around personal trainers (and being the people watching nerd that I am) I am often struck by the differences in styles these folks have and also the kind of clientele that they each attract.  One of the personal trainers at the gym I am at now is more laid back and comes around suggesting changes to the clients, but does not really push his clients much.  On the other hand, I’ve seen other trainers come up to their clients and say something like, “that is all wrong” and hand over hand push the client to lift more or change their posture in a way that makes the move more difficult.

I have actually noticed similar differences when working in group private practice as a psychologist and within the personal coaching world. It can be striking how many parallels these jobs have, personal training for you physical health and counseling/coaching for your emotional health.  Counselors and coaches are in many ways, personal trainers for your emotional health and mind, while personal trainers are more focused on your physical body and mind.  Now, not every personal trainer is alike and there are many that I would not respond well to.  For example, Jillian Michaels has shown America her spit fire approach and has been able to help many people with that approach.  However, if she and I met in a gym, I don’t think the sparks flying would be good and I would likely leave and not come back.  Well, this is not really helpful to my fitness goal however.  Now, if I thought that every personal trainer would be the same I would likely never go back and try again either, but because fitness and body image are large American cultural values, most of us know there will likely be a Bob Harper type trainer at the gym too. His softer approach may be more our style than Jillian’s.

“So what does this have to do with counseling, doc?”  

What you may not know is that counselors and coaches are very different from one another too, and this matters…A LOT. We all have a lot of training and education in various counseling methods, but the work is done in the context of a relationship.  If you don’t trust me and respond to me, it really doesn’t matter how good I am or how much education I have had.  If I am Jillian Michaels, screaming in your face not to hold onto the treadmill when you’re running, you may have some choice words for me and not come back to my office.  Or vice versa, you might say, “Dang Doc!  You’ve got some spunk.  I like that.”, and be back for more the next week.

“Alright doc.  So, I get it.  We don’t get along with everyone and need a counselor or coach that is right for us.  Someone we can trust and listen to.  That still doesn’t mean that they will help us though. My problems are tough.  Really tough, doc!” 

This is all true too.  Just getting along with your counselor or coach doesn’t make change happen.  You do.  I tell my clients this is because I don’t go home with you.  I am not going to go live in your house and do the work.  No more than your personal trainer is with you when you choose to order a pizza for dinner or have another beer and onion rings at the bar while watching the game.  The work isn’t done by us; it is done by you.  We are guides, we are teachers, and sometimes we are scientists exploring what the reason is for your problems, to help you have a context for what you might do differently.  While a personal trainer might tell me that my bad posture all my life has caused me my back issues and give me some strategies to build my strength and improve in this area, I might tell a client that their approach to conflict with their partners in the past seems to cause them added distress and not improve things and then give them some suggestions for changing their approach with this.   Neither a personal trainer or myself, as a counselor and coach, will do the actual work to facilitate change though.  That is on you.

Yet the accountability you have with your personal trainer, counselor, or coach can be really helpful in pushing you that extra bit to want to do these things.  However, you have to have a relationship with this person that facilitates wanting to do this and feeling held accountable.  The truly best results, both as a counselor/coach and as a client, have been with the kind of people that I would have chosen to be friends or associates with if I had met them in a different context.  Here is the brilliance in this however, it isn’t because I want to please them.  If that’s all it was about, I would likely find myself telling them what they wanted to hear.  No, it’s quite the opposite.  It is because they know me, or at least know my type.  They can call me on things, not just because I trust them to, but because they can see through it.  Similarly, as a counselor, I have found that some of the best help I have been able to offer is not only to call someone out on something, but also to simultaneously validate the person on how challenging this must be and empathize with how difficult it has been for them to stay in this pattern for so long.

The magic lays in the fact that all of this comes across in a genuine way to the client.  They know what I am saying is dead on, yet they also know that I feel for them that things have turned out this way and that it seems so difficult to change this.  And as this relationship builds, the easier it is to be honest.  This is the kind of relationship where you can be really known, yet not feel the pull of pleasing the counselor, because the counselor/coach has no other agenda with you.  You don’t have to worry about insulting or hurting your counselor/coach, like you have to worry about insulting or hurting a friend or family member.  Similarly, I don’t have to worry about telling my personal trainer I hate them when they make me use the 15 pound free weights for my chest press, when it is so much easier to use the 10 pound ones. It’s actually expected that this will occur. So really, feel free to share your opinion with your counselor/coach when your upset with being pushed, it’s all part of the work.

So here are a couple of challenges I have for you. 

  1. The first, think about finding a counselor or coach this year.  Try out personal training for your emotional health and mind. These aspects of ourselves are very important.  We put so much value on how we look in America, but I am here to tell you that if you can’t get a grip on how you think and feel, pretty much everything else we work on is just that much harder. You might not have any major issues happening, and actually this is a great way to get things started.  It gives you some space to feel the counselor/coach out and be sure that this is someone that you can relate to and could feel comfortable talking to about your most vulnerable issues if needed.  When we are in crisis this is a much more difficult time to really feel this out well.  And don’t hesitate to try a few counselors or coaches before you find one that fits. If you don’t like a Jillian Michaels, find a Bob Harper. We have this false sense that all counselors and coaches are alike and can equally help us and this is just not true.  Keep looking until you find someone that fits. 
  2. The second challenge is to try and hold yourself accountable to your goals.  And make sure they are your goals.  Counselors and coaches are great for throwing out a lot of suggestions and some may even sound like things you “should” do.  Don’t fall into the trap of trying to please your counselor or coach by telling yourself those are your goals too.  A goal that you don’t really want to follow through on, will not be a good goal for you.  If you’d like some help knowing how to set up your goals, see another blog I wrote called 5 Secrets to Making your New Year’s Resolutions Stick.   So, once you know the goals are really yours, push yourself to follow through.  There is no set timeline for accomplishment and part of the path to success is also failure (see another blog for more on this as well).

Do any of these sound like you?

    •  
    • Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
    • Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
    • Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
    • Have lost your way
    • Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
    • Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love

Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.

Dr. Natalie’s Online Courses and Coaching CAN HELP. Click below and get started.

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Disclaimer

The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.

If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

CALL 988

Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/

Text HOME to 741741

Selfish is the New Selfless

Always Make Time for Self-Reward

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Have you ever had one of those days that you felt sucked into the vortex of negativity? Like you can’t do anything right? Or like Murphy’s Law is beating you down? Then this is the Vlog for you. Dr. Natalie shares with us one of her own personal experiences of feeling she is being taken in by this and helps learn how to pivot into a new direction.

Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.

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Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.  

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How To Work With Dr. Natalie

 
Areas of Content - Learn To Love Your Story Online Courses and Coaching, Learn to Love Your Story - Personal Development Course

How to Use Anchors

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This week in the Learn to Love Your Story Personal Development Course, Dr. Marr is teaching the participants about anchoring in the loving feeling of connection and how this grounding technique can help shift us out of our negative affect. To learn a little more yourself, take a look at this vlog.

If you are interested in registering for the course, click here.

Bucking the System

How to Make a Shift in Mindset

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Ever feel like life is out to get you? It can easily feel like the cards are stacked against us sometimes and shifting our perspective is a wonderful tool to get us out of this mindset. Watch this video as Dr. Marr shares a good example of how to do this from her own life or click the link and read the blog posted earlier this week on this subject.

Archived Blogs from Natalie Marr Counseling, Self-Compassion

A Case of the “What Ifs”

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“What if the question is not why am I so infrequently the person I really want to be, but why do I so infrequently want to be the person I really am?”

Oriah Mountain Dreamer (from the book, The Dance, 2001)

http://oriahmountaindreamer.com

The first time I saw this quote, I was immediately struck by how it resonated for me.  At the time, I believe I was in graduate school, with an infant and sick mother to care for at home.  All of the sudden I thought, “Duh!!!  That’s been my problem.  Why don’t I just want to be who I am?”  I bought the book and honestly don’t remember much about it.  Just that this quote really marked a change in my life.  An intention I made to myself to focus on wanting to be who I am, instead of always seeking to “make it”. As if there was a next part to my life, where I would meet my goals and things would get easy.  The truth is there is no such part.

For me this statement was freeing.  I don’t expect that is the reaction that everyone has.  It is hard to want to be where you are.  In fact, it is work.  I mean how many of us enjoy sitting in traffic, waking up with children in the middle of the night, finding a way to pay the bills every month when the income is less than the amount of expenses.  Uh…no one!  The idea of trying to more frequently like being the person I am, kind of means I would be accepting some of these things…right?  I don’t really think so and here is why.  Loving ourselves isn’t an invitation to become complacent.  In fact, it is a call to action to work hard at focusing not on what we need to ward against or work toward, but instead the hard work of seeing things as they are and loving them right where we are at.

Ok doc…great psychobabble.  How in the heck am I supposed to pull that off?  You’re asking me to love sitting in traffic?  Are you off your rocker?  No, I’m not off my rocker.  Yes, I want you to love being yourself, while sitting in that traffic.  No I am not so deranged as to think the traffic is something to be loved.  So, let’s reign it back in a bit.

I think most of us get caught up in the “what if’s” sometimes.

“What if I had gone for that degree?”

“What if I had spent more time at home instead of been so obsessed with my work?”

“What if I don’t make it if I try this?”

“What if this is too much for me to handle?”

“What if there isn’t enough money this time?”

“What if I get hurt?”

It’s no mystery why we have trouble staying focused on loving ourselves where we are at, when our attention is on regrets for missed opportunities or fear of how our future will go.  And here is the thing, the brain only listens to the content…not the “what if”?  If we are thinking about getting hurt in relationships, we find ourselves feeling all of the negative emotions that go along with getting hurt, even though in the moment we are not being hurt.  Here is an example of what I mean.  If I ask you NOT to think about a big hairy gorilla, what do you think about?  See what I mean.  The brain doesn’t filter out when we use words like:

“Don’t do ______”

“What if ______”

“Forget about ______”

“Get over ________”

And if our brains don’t see those filters, what we are actually doing is experiencing those thoughts even if they aren’t actually happening.  Same goes for thinking about past regrets.  We end up re-experiencing them if we find ourselves focused on them.  Positive Psychology calls this phenomenon the Law of Attraction.  The principle being that positivity in attitude and thought will likely attract positivity, and negativity in attitude and thought will likely attract negativity.

For me the even more interesting part to this, is that when we have the “what if’s” it is usually meant as a protective factor to us.  Come again doc?  How can that be?  You just explained to us that we are harming ourselves with the “what if’s”. I did indeed say that, but I didn’t assign harmful intent to our tendency to find ourselves thinking “what if”.  This becomes interesting, because many of us worry (the behavior that is most closely associated with the “what ifs”), in order to help ourselves ward against harm.  The reality is that we can end up harming ourselves in the process.  And even more interesting our brains are geared towards survival, so if they think a behavior is helping us ward off harm, it becomes a well-oiled machine.  Furthermore, if we find ourselves associating something with harm, then our brains will warn us anytime we see, hear, taste, smell, or feel that thing.  Our brains are not so vigilant about finding the positive in our lives, because when that shows up it’s a good thing.  We don’t need to ward against the good.  And unfortunately, our brains then become really efficient at getting into the habit of “what ifs”, with the intent to help us ward off the bad.

Okay doc.  So, it would help us to be more focused on loving who we are and not who we aim to be.  When we get into the “what if’s” we are working against that goal. And on top of that our brains are wired to protect us, so “what if” worries become a habit most of us fall into.  Well, thanks!  That’s real helpful.

No, it probably isn’t…on the surface.  Here is the thing though, habits are defined as things we do without much thought or effort.  Once we shine a light on the actual mechanics of the habit, we have already started the wheels of change.  Just noticing our tendency to get into the “what if’s” joined with the knowledge that this could be harmful to us, even though it’s our nature, becomes a first step towards doing something differently.

Here is my challenge to you this week.  If you notice the “what if’s” show up, tell them Thank you.  Yes, thank you!  Let them know you appreciate that they show up to be helpful and ward against harm.  Then tell them they don’t have to stick around, because you are trying to stay focused on wanting to be where you are at.  Liking being where you are at.  Having compassion and love for how hard it can be, to be where you are at.  Tell the “what if’s” that you got this!  You will ward against the bad by keeping your focus on being present in the now and intentionally trying to like that you are there. No “what if’s” will be needed, because you are attracting positivity in your life. “What if’s” can take a break. There is no need to ward against the good you are bringing into your life, by finding the meaning of where you are and loving that you are here.