I have been counseling others for almost 20 years now and have been receiving counseling off and on for around 30 years, so I forget sometimes that the idea of counseling is a really foreign one for many. On top of that, mental health issues have all kinds of stigma attached to them. The sad thing about this, it really pushes people away from counseling when even some brief intervention can be extremely helpful at different times in our lives. So, in the theme of focusing on our goals for 2024, I thought I’d try to demystify counseling a bit and explain the real value to seeking this out in our lives.
I decided to start back to exercising this year at a local gym. I am working on my strength training at this stage in my life. In the past I have joined small personal training groups to help me stay accountable and focused on my training. Having been around personal trainers (and being the people watching nerd that I am) I am often struck by the differences in styles these folks have and also the kind of clientele that they each attract. One of the personal trainers at the gym I am at now is more laid back and comes around suggesting changes to the clients, but does not really push his clients much. On the other hand, I’ve seen other trainers come up to their clients and say something like, “that is all wrong” and hand over hand push the client to lift more or change their posture in a way that makes the move more difficult.
I have actually noticed similar differences when working in group private practice as a psychologist and within the personal coaching world. It can be striking how many parallels these jobs have, personal training for you physical health and counseling/coaching for your emotional health. Counselors and coaches are in many ways, personal trainers for your emotional health and mind, while personal trainers are more focused on your physical body and mind. Now, not every personal trainer is alike and there are many that I would not respond well to. For example, Jillian Michaels has shown America her spit fire approach and has been able to help many people with that approach. However, if she and I met in a gym, I don’t think the sparks flying would be good and I would likely leave and not come back. Well, this is not really helpful to my fitness goal however. Now, if I thought that every personal trainer would be the same I would likely never go back and try again either, but because fitness and body image are large American cultural values, most of us know there will likely be a Bob Harper type trainer at the gym too. His softer approach may be more our style than Jillian’s.
“So what does this have to do with counseling, doc?”
What you may not know is that counselors and coaches are very different from one another too, and this matters…A LOT. We all have a lot of training and education in various counseling methods, but the work is done in the context of a relationship. If you don’t trust me and respond to me, it really doesn’t matter how good I am or how much education I have had. If I am Jillian Michaels, screaming in your face not to hold onto the treadmill when you’re running, you may have some choice words for me and not come back to my office. Or vice versa, you might say, “Dang Doc! You’ve got some spunk. I like that.”, and be back for more the next week.
“Alright doc. So, I get it. We don’t get along with everyone and need a counselor or coach that is right for us. Someone we can trust and listen to. That still doesn’t mean that they will help us though. My problems are tough. Really tough, doc!”
This is all true too. Just getting along with your counselor or coach doesn’t make change happen. You do. I tell my clients this is because I don’t go home with you. I am not going to go live in your house and do the work. No more than your personal trainer is with you when you choose to order a pizza for dinner or have another beer and onion rings at the bar while watching the game. The work isn’t done by us; it is done by you. We are guides, we are teachers, and sometimes we are scientists exploring what the reason is for your problems, to help you have a context for what you might do differently. While a personal trainer might tell me that my bad posture all my life has caused me my back issues and give me some strategies to build my strength and improve in this area, I might tell a client that their approach to conflict with their partners in the past seems to cause them added distress and not improve things and then give them some suggestions for changing their approach with this. Neither a personal trainer or myself, as a counselor and coach, will do the actual work to facilitate change though. That is on you.
Yet the accountability you have with your personal trainer, counselor, or coach can be really helpful in pushing you that extra bit to want to do these things. However, you have to have a relationship with this person that facilitates wanting to do this and feeling held accountable. The truly best results, both as a counselor/coach and as a client, have been with the kind of people that I would have chosen to be friends or associates with if I had met them in a different context. Here is the brilliance in this however, it isn’t because I want to please them. If that’s all it was about, I would likely find myself telling them what they wanted to hear. No, it’s quite the opposite. It is because they know me, or at least know my type. They can call me on things, not just because I trust them to, but because they can see through it. Similarly, as a counselor, I have found that some of the best help I have been able to offer is not only to call someone out on something, but also to simultaneously validate the person on how challenging this must be and empathize with how difficult it has been for them to stay in this pattern for so long.
The magic lays in the fact that all of this comes across in a genuine way to the client. They know what I am saying is dead on, yet they also know that I feel for them that things have turned out this way and that it seems so difficult to change this. And as this relationship builds, the easier it is to be honest. This is the kind of relationship where you can be really known, yet not feel the pull of pleasing the counselor, because the counselor/coach has no other agenda with you. You don’t have to worry about insulting or hurting your counselor/coach, like you have to worry about insulting or hurting a friend or family member. Similarly, I don’t have to worry about telling my personal trainer I hate them when they make me use the 15 pound free weights for my chest press, when it is so much easier to use the 10 pound ones. It’s actually expected that this will occur. So really, feel free to share your opinion with your counselor/coach when your upset with being pushed, it’s all part of the work.
So here are a couple of challenges I have for you.
- The first, think about finding a counselor or coach this year. Try out personal training for your emotional health and mind. These aspects of ourselves are very important. We put so much value on how we look in America, but I am here to tell you that if you can’t get a grip on how you think and feel, pretty much everything else we work on is just that much harder. You might not have any major issues happening, and actually this is a great way to get things started. It gives you some space to feel the counselor/coach out and be sure that this is someone that you can relate to and could feel comfortable talking to about your most vulnerable issues if needed. When we are in crisis this is a much more difficult time to really feel this out well. And don’t hesitate to try a few counselors or coaches before you find one that fits. If you don’t like a Jillian Michaels, find a Bob Harper. We have this false sense that all counselors and coaches are alike and can equally help us and this is just not true. Keep looking until you find someone that fits.
- The second challenge is to try and hold yourself accountable to your goals. And make sure they are your goals. Counselors and coaches are great for throwing out a lot of suggestions and some may even sound like things you “should” do. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to please your counselor or coach by telling yourself those are your goals too. A goal that you don’t really want to follow through on, will not be a good goal for you. If you’d like some help knowing how to set up your goals, see another blog I wrote called 5 Secrets to Making your New Year’s Resolutions Stick. So, once you know the goals are really yours, push yourself to follow through. There is no set timeline for accomplishment and part of the path to success is also failure (see another blog for more on this as well).
Do any of these sound like you?
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- Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
- Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
- Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
- Have lost your way
- Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
- Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
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Disclaimer
The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
CALL 988
Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/
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