Are you somebody who tries to control everything? I don’t know about you, but this was one of my favorite ways to try and solve all of my problems for most of my life. Perfectionism, overwhelm, and continual worry were constant companions of mine. I thought if I could just control the situation then my life would get better. And I kept waiting and waiting and waiting for my life to get better. I was doing all of the right things, I was being perfect as much of the time as I possibly could handle, I was not accepting my mistakes lightly and was very hard on myself to correct them. Yet life still felt…well shitty.

This would culminate during major life transitions. For instance after my first divorce and becoming a single parent to an infant son I was looking at myself in the mirror thinking, “but I did everything right?” Or after I buried both my parents and was left with the aftermath, I would think to myself “Why is this so hard? I knew that they were dying? I went to counseling about this? Why am I still feeling so awful?” But after my most recent iteration of this, a second divorce and financial upheaval, I didn’t even bother asking myself those questions. I just plummeted into the existential crisis of why in the hell is life so hard? Why when I do all the things right, does it not matter anyway?

Have you found yourself in one of these places? If you have you’re in good company. There are a lot of us out here who know that life does not go as planned. Yet we still cling to our desire to control our lives as our only antidote to this. Where did we get that idea? Where did we learn that if we did everything perfect then life would be OK? That was where my curiosity decided to fix itself after my last life upheaval. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Where I had gotten the idea that controlling my life was the answer? Where had we all gotten it?

And what is my favorite part about struggling with this idea of control? I’m a Clinical Psychologist of two decades. It’s not like I don’t have a lot of knowledge in this area, I just had a case of the “I know betters“ like nobody’s business. The emotional side of my brain was not letting the rational side of my brain act for me, so I would go back to my constant companion of trying to control my life over and over. This time though…I was determined to get to the bottom of this. Why control? Why doesn’t it work? Why do we think control should work? And what do we do instead, since control doesn’t work? So I started to investigate. I started to think about why is it that control really doesn’t work? Why is it that being rigid doesn’t seem to answer all our problem?

Our own bodies are a super power for managing the unpredictable. Literally wired to be able to take on whatever comes their way. Does your stomach know what you’re gonna be eating today? Do your lungs know what the quality of the air will be today? Does your body’s immune system know if it’s going to take on a virus and avoid a cold or flu today? No. The plain and simple answer is no. Our body doesn’t know what’s coming its way and yet never complains about it’s job of taking on whatever that is. So if my DNA created that biology for my body, why am I not using this adaptation superpower in other areas my life?

The answer to that question is an interesting one. Because we have been programmed and conditioned that being perfectionistic is more important. We bypassed some of the strategies that would allow our human psyche to pivot out of life challenges, like our body pivots out of new stimuli each and every day. So how do we tap into this adaptive skill that is in our DNA? And why in the heck weren’t we taught this in the first place?

How can we tap into this skill I can answer in five neat steps for you. Why weren’t we taught this in the first place, is a much bigger question. So let’s start with the five steps you need to take to be able to tap into the adaptation superpower you are already hardwired to do. To be agile and take on all life throws at you, without knowing what’s coming your way and to do so with grace, kindness, and understanding.

Step One – Stop looking for validation outside of yourself.

This one’s tough people. This is not what we were taught to believe. Right from the start our validation came from outside of us. Our parents encouraged us when we were learning things. Our teachers graded us when we were in school. Our peers chastised us if we went outside what was “cool“. And into our adulthood our partners, coworkers and communities were telling us if we were doing our lives well or not. I want you to think for a minute how ridiculous that sounds. How does SOMEBODY ELSE know if I’m doing MY LIFE well? How do they even know? They don’t. That’s the truth. They know only what I let them see and they have no idea what’s going on inside me…what I am keeping hidden from them. So why do I care what they think so much? Easy. You were taught to care what they think. You were taught that your opinion of yourself was very insignificant and that the place that you look to know if you’re doing life well is outside yourself.

This is step one. Flip that on its head. Your opinion is really the only one of significance with regard to how you’re doing in your life. There are lots of ways to tap into that. For starters, knowing what you’re feeling in your body at any given time. Our bodies are great instruments for telling us if something is OK or not. We feel energized, content and sometimes even joyous when we’re in alignment with what we should be doing in life. When you’ve found your purpose and you’re following through on that purpose, you know it in your bones. Yet, when you start to feel super crummy (a.k.a. I feel like my life is shitty even though I’m doing all the right things) then you know something is amiss. It does not matter if everybody is telling you that you’re doing life well. If you feel in your body life is shitty…then life is shitty and you need to shift something.

Step Two – Put away the whip!

Listen, I know that we love our whips. I know that our internal self critics have all kinds of things to say to us about how we’re doing things the wrong way. I know how internal self critics love to jump on us when we actually have done something wrong. I know that this internal self critic is coming from a good place, trying to correct our behavior and pull us into the right direction. And, I know that almost never works out that way. We do not learn out of fear. We survive out of fear. We do not live, do not learn, and do not like our lives when we come from fear. So please, for the love of all that is holy, put away the whip.

This is actually tied to step one. We were taught that our opinions of ourselves were very insignificant while other peoples opinions of us were very important. Guess where that self critic came from? It wasn’t out of yourself. I know you think it was, and our self critics have our voices, so its easy to believe its a part of us. In actuality, our self critics are an internalized version of that external validation that we’re seeking. Your internal critic is going to tell you what everybody on the outside would tell you. This is not a reliable source. Unless, of course, you use your internal critic as an example of what not to do. Then do what is opposite to what your internal self critic is focusing on. Using it this way can be useful. I call that a rumble strip.

Step Three – Be kind and understanding as you’re growing

This goes with number two and number one, but it does deserve its own step. Kindness and understanding doesn’t mean permission to be a lump on a log. It doesn’t mean that I am saying to you just roll and wallow in your own self-pity. What it means is don’t get out of whip and expect that you’re going to respond well to that. Do come along side the part of you that has made a mistake and created a mess in your life, hold that part of you very tightly, and whisper into that part’s ear “It’s going to be OK! I’m here now. I get how we got here and I will stay with you while we figure out how to get out of here.”

That is what we need. Not a whip. We need to know that someone has our back and that someone needs to be our self. Not some hippie dippy mumbo-jumbo that a psychologist is throwing at you, a legitimate need to feel like we have our own back. Because honestly, if we don’t then who does?

Step Four: Take Care of Yourself

Life is not easy and it takes a lot of energy so if you’re not replenishing yourself you’re going to run out. It’s pretty simple math people. And I hate math. But it is pretty simple. If you aren’t caring for yourself above and over all things in your life, nothing you ever do in your life will be at its full potential. End of sentence. That is the truth. I know we don’t wanna hear that, and I definitely know it’s not in alignment with our whips, our internal self critics, or the programming and conditioning that we’ve received that putting ourselves first is selfish. Throw away that rhetoric right now! Get a self-care plan in place as soon as possible. And radically approach your self-care as a necessary need that you have to meet every single day. Like eating. Using the bathroom. Breathing. I promise you this is pivotal. You really can’t do all the other stops if you’re not doing this one.

Step Five: Make it a Game

This one sounds pretty funny but it is so true. Humans are very predictable. We like a good game. Well…we like to WIN a good game. We don’t like to lose and so it is good to play off of this innate inner joy. Make a game. Make a game of everything you do. Challenge yourself. Allow yourself to morph the rules to your advantage. The ultimate goal is YOUR JOY. So even things like your work or the most mundane parts of your life that have to get done, can be transformed into a game. And when you do this, they become so much easier. You’re the only player. You’re the rule maker. And this allows a flexibility like nobody’s business.

Now, on a neurological basis what I’m really asking you to do is to go outside your box all the time. If you want to land in the place where you’ve been before keep doing what you’re doing. If you want to do all the right things only to arrive at a place where life feels shitty, then by all means do what you know to do and what you have been doing all this time. It is a tried and true map to that destination. However, if you want life to be different you’re going to have to do things differently.

And the worst part of that, is how uncomfortable it feels. Like excruciatingly uncomfortable. Yet if you make a game out of it, it engages a part of your brain that is made for creativity. Our right brain. Not language-based. Sometimes not all that logical. Our right brain puts together pieces that don’t go together usually. But it allows us to work outside our box, which will take us to a new destination. Now if you get to the destination and don’t like it, change the rules again. Make it a game again. Keep working at winning in your life. It’s fun. You’ll enjoy it. And honestly. That’s what life should be.

So, no more control…lets do these five steps and find ourselves in a much better place.

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