Healing is an interesting subject for many. Its so ethereal. Hard to really define and understand. Especially emotional healing. What I am talking about when I talk about healing is not creating a reality where the pain and suffering never existed, but rather defining healing as a means to help you transcend that pain and suffering so the damage it left is no longer controlling your life. Life can be hard and the weight of it heavy. The marks it leaves are real and the pain creates a lasting memory, for which our bodies keep the score. I want to give you a means to move beyond all of these scars and let go of the weight.
Healing doesn’t discount your story. Healing cannot cancel out the damage from your life. Healing is the process by which we disarm all of this. A few weeks back I shared a blog about a Japanese tradition whereby gold is used to repair the broken pieces of an item, thus infusing it with more worth. That’s what healing does. It gives us more worth.
One of the means by which I teach others how to heal, is by taking something that was once harmful towards us and turning it into a strength we have to better navigate our life. Almost like a super power. How is this done? Well, one way to do this is to shift the narrative of your life. This is useful when you cannot change the storyline, but most definitely want to change how the story affects you.
In a Vlog earlier this week, I spoke to how you can shift your narrative by rethinking it through the lens of being your own Hero/ine. Taking the storyline of struggle and reorganizing it through a lens of being Hero/ine moves the power back to us. I love empowerment strategies like this. So much of what we struggle with is feeling powerless to the things that happen in our lives. Once we start looking at it through the lens of being our own Hero/ine, we regain some control and inevitably start to feel more powerful.
What’s your super power? What strength have you built through healing? Think about it. Sometimes it can take years to get this perspective, but it is there. And you can seize upon it. Go ahead…be your own Hero/ine.
Do any of these sound like you?
Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
Have lost your way
Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
Dr. Natalie’s Online Courses and Coaching CAN HELP. Click below and get started.
Unlock the next chapter of your life with our transformative 20-week group coaching package tailored for women in midlife. Embrace empowerment, break free from the status quo, and design a life that aligns with your true aspirations. Join group coaching and allow Dr. Natalie to guide you on this empowering adventure to break free, rediscover your passion, and create the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself. Your journey to empowerment starts here. Let’s design the life you deserve!
Need more clarity on your midlife journey? Sign up for a complimentary call with Dr. Natalie to explore if her transformative coaching program aligns with your aspirations. Get personalized answers to your questions and discover if Dr. Natalie can help you untangle where you life is now and design the life you want to be living. Don’t miss the opportunity to embark on a life-changing experience – schedule your complimentary call today and take the first step toward designing the life you deserve!
Please press the “START” button below to answer a few questions and schedule your consultation:
Disclaimer
The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
What child while dreaming of what they want to be when they grow up says, “I can’t wait until I grow up and don’t suck!”? Answer, NO ONE…EVER!!! Our dreams as young ones usually involve being superheroes, royalty, and occasionally even something more down to earth, like a firefighter, doctor, or police officer. Then we get a little older and we realize that some of the fantastical dreams may be out of our reach (it was a sad day for me when I realized that animals would only talk to Dr. Doolittle and my zoologist dream may not come true after all), yet we still keep dreaming. I wanted to be a medical doctor. Then I met Chemistry and thought…what about a psychologist? I’ve been listening to my friends and family for years, so how hard can that be.
In all seriousness, though, when I work with folks in therapy the thing that speaks the loudest to me is whether they are still dreaming…still hopeful that there is something out there for them in life. When this goes, it is usually because helplessness and hopelessness have crept in. Sure, sometimes we call it being adult, pragmatic or realistic, yet in reality losing sight of our dreams or feeling that dreams cannot be attained is truly crippling. If I ask a client, what kinds of things do you look forward to or where do you see yourself headed, and I get a response like, “I don’t know Doc. I’m not really sure what my goals are.” This is when I know that there is work to be done. Because really, no one looks forward to just not sucking. We may want to have relief from our pain, a reprieve from low self-esteem, or an ability to think more positively, but these are not the goals. These are byproducts. Good byproducts, but not the star we wish to reach for. And certainly, not what we thought we were going to be when we grew up…someone that doesn’t suck.
“So Doc, what next? I’ve come into your office looking to make this depression go away or to learn how to make my anxiety less of a burden in my life. How do I accomplish this if I am not focused on fixing it…on not sucking?”
Well my friend, the short answer to that is, find your way back to your hopes and dreams. Find your way back to aligning with what you want in life. Dream. And don’t just dream…DREAM BIG!!! Why? Because feeling better comes when we have a focus to feel better about. Feeling better hardly ever comes when our focus is just to feel less bad then we do at present.
“Ok Doc. So how do I dream again, when there is rent to be paid, food to put on the table, work (that I don’t even like) to be done? I love your optimism that it is as easy as dreaming again, but my life just isn’t that easy.”
I hear you. And you’re right, life isn’t that easy. My push back to you, is that neither are dreams. Neither are goals that are worth sacrificing for. Neither is failing on your way to meet those dreams and goals, only to have to get back up and keep at it. None of that is easy. The silver lining is, when we work hard and meet a goal, we feel good and it’s because we worked so hard for it and know that it is a true accomplishment. If we feel good, chances are we are sucking less. So, my challenge to you, my friends, is to stop looking to suck less and start remembering what you wanted to be when you grew up.
Or start thinking BIG about what new and exciting thing you want to accomplish (even if you have no reasonable clue where to begin). Because dreams are not built to be easy and we are not well-oiled machines. If this was the case, anyone could accomplish the dreams we have. No! Dreams are meant to push us beyond ourselves and will help us to be people well beyond someone that just doesn’t suck.
It’s like the old saying goes, “Shoot for the stars and you may just reach the moon.”
Do any of these sound like you?
Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
Have lost your way
Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
Dr. Natalie’s Online Courses and Coaching CAN HELP. Click below and get started.
Unlock the next chapter of your life with our transformative 20-week group coaching package tailored for women in midlife. Embrace empowerment, break free from the status quo, and design a life that aligns with your true aspirations. Join group coaching and allow Dr. Natalie to guide you on this empowering adventure to break free, rediscover your passion, and create the life you’ve always envisioned for yourself. Your journey to empowerment starts here. Let’s design the life you deserve!
Need more clarity on your midlife journey? Sign up for a complimentary call with Dr. Natalie to explore if her transformative coaching program aligns with your aspirations. Get personalized answers to your questions and discover if Dr. Natalie can help you untangle where you life is now and design the life you want to be living. Don’t miss the opportunity to embark on a life-changing experience – schedule your complimentary call today and take the first step toward designing the life you deserve!
Please press the “START” button below to answer a few questions and schedule your consultation:
Disclaimer
The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
Are you seeking a path to personal growth that’s not just effective but also fun? In this enlightening episode of “Midlife Crisis to a Centered Life Thriving,” Dr. Natalie takes you on a transformative journey filled with joy and laughter.
For many women, midlife can bring on a sense of restlessness or even crisis, but Dr. Natalie is here to tell you that this phase of life can be your greatest adventure yet. She delves into the heart of the midlife experience and guides you on a quest to make change a thrilling and effortless endeavor.
Dr. Natalie shares her wisdom on how to infuse every step of your personal transformation with excitement and enthusiasm, helping women turn the effort of change into fun opportunities for growth. You’ll learn how to make change not only effective but also genuinely enjoyable.
Tune in to discover the power of gamification and the connection between a joyous approach and the ease of progress. Whether you’re navigating a midlife crisis or simply seeking to thrive during midlife, this episode will inspire you to transform your life with a smile on your face and a spring in your step.
Community is how we gain and sustain our strength to be the remarkable women that we already are in this world. Having a bad day…check in and get support. Killing it at life…jump on and inspire your friends. This online Facebook community is where we all gather to love and support one another on our prospective journeys to live our best lives!
Keywords: Neuroscience, Self-Kindness, Midlife, Happiness, Empowerment, Compassion, Survival Mode, Self-Criticism, Neurobiology, Insights, Practical Tips, Self-Compassion, Meaningful Change, Women’s Wellbeing, Personal Growth, Happiness, Dr. Natalie, Midlife Crisis, Self-Improvement, Thriving, podcast for women, podcast for midlife
Keywords: Personal growth, Self-transformation, Overcoming challenges, Resilience, Mindfulness techniques, Adversity, Thriving in difficult times, Psychological benefits of resilience, Turning adversity into triumph, Centered life, Thriving, podcast, Dr. Natalie’s podcast for women
Disclaimer
The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
Get ready to laugh and relate as Dr. Natalie spills the beans on her recent summer adventures and most recent epic meltdown during this chaotic and downright comical chapter of her life. Amid the laughter, she expertly weaves in the wisdom of her LearnToLoveYourStory.com program, offering valuable insights. Tune in for a dose of laughter and leave with a lighter heart.
In this revealing episode, join Dr. Natalie as she fearlessly opens up about some challenges she experienced during the last few weeks, demonstrating how even experts encounter their own struggles. Through her own story, Dr. Natalie illustrates three vital pillars from her LearnToLoveYourStory.com program: enhancing self-awareness, cultivating self-compassion, and embracing the power of self-empowered decisions to rewrite our ingrained narratives. Discover how her journey through this tumultuous time offers insights and practical tools to help you navigate your own challenges and lead a centered life thriving with resilience and purpose.
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Community is how we gain and sustain our strength to be the remarkable women that we already are in this world. Having a bad day…check in and get support. Killing it at life…jump on and inspire your friends. This online Facebook community is where we all gather to love and support one another on our prospective journeys to live our best lives!
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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Keywords: Personal meltdown; Self-awareness; Self-compassion; Empowered transformation; Resilience; Centered life; Challenging moments; Expert struggles; LearnToLoveYourStory.com; Stress management; Vulnerability; Rewrite narratives; Coping strategies; Thriving through challenges; Journey of growth
Disclaimer
The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
Join Dr. Natalie in this inspiring and heartfelt interview with Lori Saitz, the founder of ZenRabbit.com, as they delve into Lori’s work and own transformative journey on “Midlife Crisis to a Centered Life Thriving”. Lori opens up about her personal struggles, including the profound impact of losing her mother and the challenges of closing her first business when it couldn’t be scaled as she envisioned.
Through her experiences, Lori discovered the transformative power of taking just a few strategic steps, which she refers to as the “Trilogy for Success.” In this episode, she shares how these steps can help anyone pivot through life’s toughest moments and create a life they truly desire to live.
In this thought-provoking conversation, you’ll gain insights into embracing change, finding purpose amidst grief, and crafting a life that aligns with your passions and aspirations. Lori’s wisdom and resilience will inspire you to navigate your own journey of transformation and self-discovery.
And that’s not all! As a generous bonus for our listeners, Lori offers a Complimentary Exercise during the podcast to kickstart your journey towards a centered and thriving life. Be sure to check out the episode and visit her website, ZenRabbit.com, for links to FREE GIFTS that will further support your personal growth and well-being.
Tune in now to discover the keys to unlocking your potential and thriving through life’s inevitable transitions with the help of Lori Saitz and her powerful “Trilogy for Success”.
HOW TO FIND Lori Saitz her work
WEB: https://zenrabbit.com/
Podcast: https://zenrabbit.com/podcast/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ZenRabbit
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/zen_rabbit/
Linked In: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lorisaitz/
Clubhouse: https://www.clubhouse.com/@lorisaitz
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Community is how we gain and sustain our strength to be the remarkable women that we already are in this world. Having a bad day…check in and get support. Killing it at life…jump on and inspire your friends. This online Facebook community is where we all gather to love and support one another on our prospective journeys to live our best lives!
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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Keywords: Choosing Happiness, Journey Through Midlife, Dr. Natalie, Lori Saitz, Coach, Trilogy for Success, ZenRabbit.com, Fine is a 4 Letter Word, Centered Life, Thriving, Challenges of Midlife, Self-Discovery, Empowerment, Endless Possibilities, Fulfillment in Life.
Disclaimer
The content in this podcast and video is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ 1-800-273-8255
Crisis Text Line: https://www.crisistextline.org/ Text HOME to 741741
I know we are all very different in our experiences in life, yet there are some very universal aspects to our lived experiences that I think we overlook. We think that we are “all alone” in our experience, when in fact we are not alone. We most likely have ALL been there in one capacity or another. So today’s blog is really about helping us to explore this concept and maybe save ourselves from the collective illusion that we are alone in our suffering.
When I was in my thirties, I found myself in a management position on a large scale for the first time. I had supervised and managed prior to this, but during this particular stint in my career I found myself in boardrooms with individuals (mostly male and mostly white), whom had been doing these jobs for decades. I was definitely the lowest on the totem pole as far as seniority and gender role, and most definitely was seen as green. This lead me into a continual battle of trying to prove my worth in this environment. I was working harder and longer hours than anyone else in this level of management and getting less recognition than all of them. It came to a head for me towards the end of my work with this agency, when I joined a coalition within the agency that was looking at making some modifications across disciplines and the CEO of one of those disciplinary areas took credit for not just part, but all of what I had done. ALL OF IT. I am certain that my name never even came up in the rooms where this man pitched these ideas. He later was promoted and then found employment outside the agency entirely, and you better bet that this interdisciplinary project was part of the wave he was riding as he did so.
This was a major learning moment for me. I had the fortune of also working under a manager that was a woman, who had experienced many similar instances in her longer career within this organization. We commiserated some about this, yet venting about it wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I was really upset by the feeling that there was a setup that I wasn’t going to be able to break working within this kind of a hierarchy. It was one of the factors that lead to my looking for other employment and moving on in my career. What I discovered is that once you are in the unenviable position of hustling for your worth and proving yourself, that energy takes over completely. And if you don’t stop this pattern yourself there is no one else that will come to save you. You have to be your own hero. Others will always benefit from your assuming the myth that your worthiness must be proven. Others can (and many unfortunately will) capitalize on your courageous efforts to prove yourself by taking credit for your work, your credibility, and your value. Not everyone is trying to do this as an intentional and manipulative ploy. It is just that the system of “haves” and “have nots” will always result in more “haves” and “have nots”. If you assume the role of a “have not”, trying to always prove yourself to the “haves”, then you are perpetually within that energy.
This is not to say you can’t liberate yourself from this. You can, but you must remember that you will not liberate yourself within the context of this system. You will have to leave the system behind completely. Sometimes this happens in the literal sense, as it did for me when I left this position; and sometimes it is in a more figurative sense, when we leave behind the unspoken rules of “haves” and “have nots”, and dance to a different drummer right within the context we are stuck in. I’ve tried it both ways…and in both contexts I have learned another valuable lesson. When we get started with a venture like this, we feel like we are on our own. We are fighting the fight, yet we are depleting our own stored energy because we have no back up.
I want to explore this part of the journey a little further. I see this “loneliness” factor as a rumble strip (for more explanation on what I mean by this, feel free to read another blog where I explain this metaphor in more detail). Loneliness tells us that we are slipping back into the “have” and “have not” paradigm again. We feel alone, because we are still indoctrinated in the illusion that we are fighting to prove our worth. When you notice that you have a case of the “I’m all alone in this”, stop. Here is where you need to change your tactics. The truth REALLY IS that we are NEVER ALONE. NEVER! In fact there is always people suffering in these same ways we are. We are not unique in these experiences.
In fact, the illusion that we are alone is a function of the “have/have not” system of oppression. Except, instead of others oppressing us, we are doing the work for those oppressing us. This feature of how systems sustain inequalities is called internalized oppression. The things we were taught and learned we are now enforcing on ourselves. In this case, believing we are alone in this suffering keeps us locked in the energy of trying to prove ourselves over and over again. There is nothing to prove. We already have worth. Yet, if we keep trying to prove that worth, we bias others’ opinions of us. We are implying that we may not have that worth in the first place. Otherwise, why would we need to prove ourselves. As we continue to pursue proving ourselves we are keeping ourselves oppressed on autopilot, without anyone else having to do anything.
The remedy to this is to get connected to others. To build ourselves a community of people that let us know this is not the case. In the story I’ve shared here, my community started with someone else who had the same experience and was willing to help me see I was not alone. This connection started to build a community of other supporters in my career that were there when I felt stuck in the spiral of “have” and “have not”, and would challenge me to break the the cycle by not participating in my own suffering. I would stop trying to prove myself and would honor my worth. If those who I worked with didn’t honor that worth too, I would leave. They did not deserve my service if they could not honor the worth it brought to their organization. Ultimately that has lead to my working for myself. I said NO liberally. Said NO without abandon in these organizations when they were not honoring what I brought to the table. And eventually I said NO as many times as I needed and disappointed as many people as I needed, so as NEVER to disappoint myself again.
That is, until I realized I had become both my “have” and my “have not”. I had started to hustle for my worth in my work again, even though I was working for myself. I started trying to to prove myself TO MYSELF?!? That I could have my own practice and start a new business venture simultaneously. And when the math didn’t work, because there were not enough hours in the day, I doubled down and kept killing myself trying to make both work. I was going to prove it to myself that this could be done. But then I realized that insidious “have” and “have not” system had seeped into me again. I was feeling alone in my battle. I was noticing that I wasn’t feeling appreciated. I recognized that even without another person to prove myself to, I could get caught in the grips of proving myself and hustling for my worth. As I noted in my first blog in the “Mumblings of a Midlife Mess” series, I was going back to an old and familiar pattern and oppressing myself without even noticing.
The antidote…quitting the hustle! And you, my story lovers, are a part of that for me. I need to surround myself in the truth that I already have the worth and no hustling is necessary. I don’t need to prove that the side hustle can out-do the day job. It already has that worth. I just have to have faith in that truth and act accordingly. So, I share this with you to help you see that even we can be our own oppressors. Even with the best of intentions, we can fall into old patterns. And one of the ways that we can stop this in its tracks, is to share it with others. To out it. To say aloud, this system is not serving me and is not true.
I am no longer fighting for my worth. I am living the worth I already am. We have all done this to ourselves and we will all continue to fall into these old patterns. Yet, if we come together and gain the support of one another when we recognize this, we can and will transcend this old map that is taking us to previous destinations. When we stop hustling, we start using a compass and heading towards our own “due North” into uncharted territories. We design the path, instead of following it. We name our value, instead of asking for it to be recognized. And ultimately, we design the lives WE WANT for ourselves and attain OUR DREAMS.
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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I know right?!? Or maybe you think its crazy to think this. I promise its true. One of the ways our brains work is by creating neural networks, maps inside our heads that essentially make up our habits. Its why you don’t have to think very much when you’re doing something you do a lot…like driving.
And its totally normal when you interrupt this known habit by trying to add a new aspect to it that you sometimes mess the whole thing up. That’s self-sabotage! And its supposed to happen during the change process. This occurs when you are teaching your brain to do something new, to take a new path. And this is because your brain is wanting to do that old familiar thing instead, so it pulls you right back to that old map. Don’t think of this as a bad thing. Think of it as a natural part of making change. Take a look at this video and learn a little more.
Don’t know if the Learn To Love Your Story could help you. Then take this quiz and see which Online Courses would best help you with your personal growth and development.
What Course Is Right For You?
So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
Take this quiz and receive an individualized recommendation from Dr. Natalie as to what course would be best for you and why these courses are specially designed to help you with what you need.
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FREE Group Coaching For a Year – Join ANYTIME!
Join us monthly as we work together to help you design the life you have always wanted for yourself. No gimmicks! Just results! Dr. Natalie has nearly two decades of experience as a Clinical Psychologist and she is ready to help women in midlife break the chains of living in constant survival mode.
Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
Avoiding conflict leads to more internal stress. As a practicing clinical psychologist I have seen this happening over and over. I think it is especially something that women experience. In her book, Cassandra Speaks, by Elizabeth Lesser (2020), there is a clear review of this historical pattern of trying to suppress women’s voices. It is illustrated in ancient stories and myths, such as from Greek Mythology’s story of a Trojan Priestess named Cassandra. It is told that Cassandra was admired by the Greek god Apollo. Apollo gave her the gift of being able to see the future, and in exchange she promised him her favors (whatever that means…and by the way, it is NOT A GIFT if you ask for something in return, Apollo!!! Just saying!). In truth, Cassandra did not break a promise, rather she did not fall in love with Apollo despite his enticement with the gift. Because he was infuriated by this (the Greek gods were not known for their anger management skills), he cursed Cassandra to always be disbelieved, in spite of the fact that she did in fact know the truth of the future.
I mean, DANG!!! Have you heard that one. I hadn’t until I read Elizabeth Lesser’s book and I was dumb founded by the similarities that exist even today in how women’s spoken wisdom is routinely suppressed, as if it were from an unreliable source, or more commonly stated, its unreliable due to a moody and hormonal source. So we aren’t that far from ancient times I guess. Is this just another example of society shaping our beliefs with what they are teaching us? Maybe.
Many times we as women are taught first “not to make a fuss” or “to keep things comfortable” for all others in our lives. I know that you want to say that we are beyond this people pleasing in our latest generations, but we are not. Case in point, eating disorders many times result from girls and women who are trying to LITERALLY be small enough for society. Or maybe you’d like something a little more specific. When Vice President Kamala Harris had to assert “I’m speaking” in order to finish what she was saying after being interrupted, there seemed to be a reverberation across the country. Small things like interruptions become big things. These insidious means of directing just how much space women are to take up, or how much they are to be heard, lead to a myriad of problems as women internalize this conflict to make sure that “everyone is comfortable” around them. So the problem isn’t in the conflict itself, the real problem is in the message that women are responsible to reduce conflict at all costs…the cost often being themselves.
It doesn’t help that the belief in women’s voices as inferior is still a thing in many cultures. Then this fallacy gets more fueled by gaslighting from our society that women are “too” much of everything for everybody. We are too emotional. We are too compassionate to be rational. We are too sheltered in our primary role as stay at home parents. We are too needed in other caretaking roles than we are in roles of prominence in media, politics, or management. Need I go on? The greatest fallacy is that IF women can somehow be convincing enough of their importance in a nonconflictualway then our point can be taken seriously. Short of that, women are deemed less reliable as sources until we prove otherwise.
If you ask me, one of the biggest reasons society doesn’t want to hear women’s voices is because there are too many voices and too much truth being told by those voices. My sincere opinion is that women are likely to want to hear all voices. Society has acculturated us to be the caretakers right? Society placed us in positions of connection and collaboration with lots of others, correct? Society gender-roled us into being in positions of influence for the masses, because if we aren’t taking care of these masses…who will? So if we begin talking, telling the truth, and we are in the position for others to be hearing it upsets the status quo.
Why is this relevant? Well guess what happens when you start to value women’s voices. Those voices want to value the voices of others. We will want consensus on things and will want to work them out, because this is what we have been taught to do as women. So now it’s a complicated mess of not just honoring the voices of women, but women turning that power around and making it their responsibility to bring voices to the masses. Well we can’t have that (hear sarcasm seeping through that sentence). Thousands of ways to do one thing. It would be sheer anarchy…or at least that is what we have been told it will be. In fact, its more because if we can’t apply generalized rules to a big group its more difficult to manage that group. The better question is, why does the group known as humanity need to be managed?
Society likes rules, because conflict arises when there is more than one way of thinking, feeling, or doing things. And we have been taught conflict is bad…to be avoided at all cost. It is the thing that brings war. Actually…that’s not true. Conflict brings change. It is the catalyst that tells us something doesn’t feel good, fair, or has been outgrown and must be adjusted. War is the ultimate show of “power over”. A method that has been used for millennia to run governments and monarchies. It is only one type of power though. There is also “power with” others and “power to” others. These are traditionally thought of as more feminine versions of power….aka the “lesser” versions of power. Remember Cassandra? Just think of what the “power to” others could have been if they had believed her foretelling? She actually knew the future. And her imparting that wisdom was not intended to be kept to herself but shared with others.
Well maybe there needs to be a reckoning then? Maybe we should all wake up to ways that we can engage in “power with” and “power to” and see if things start to shift. This means, however, that we must have conflict. So relearning what conflict is…the discomfort of change…and that conflict is normal, will be imperative. We must take a different approach to conflict altogether.
My suggestion, start challenging yourself to do uncomfortable things on small levels to build your capacity to tolerate conflict. It gets tougher to tolerate the more that is on the line, so things like asserting to yourself that its ok to NOT clean a room one day, or NOT go run those errands right this minute can be a much softer entrance. When we start to settle in with those little things, then its time to assert ourselves in bigger ways. Maybe ask for help with something…I know…the horror! Start with people that are easier for you to ask for help from and gradually push yourself each time until you notice there is more ease in your sense of conflict.
Tolerating conflict and making ourselves push through is a form of self care. No really!!! And its an act of selflessness. No really!!! Hear me out. When we allow conflict not to be avoided…when we start to tolerate conflict with more skills and agility…when we start to welcome the change that conflict represents…then we start to be change agents in this world. For real!!! We start to harness that “power with” others and ourselves AND “power to” others and ourselves. Folks, this one is a game changer. It is subtle and in its subtlety it has the capacity to start taking over large scales of our population as a whole. We can show how “power with” and “power to” bring balance to the “power over” paradigm we’ve all been living. This may just be the ticket to the peace we all have been looking for. And ironically that peace starts with our disrupting our personal peace by tolerating the conflict of telling our truth.
So, the moral of this blog…don’t bring the conflict into yourself. Women especially. Do not continue a millennia long battle of the sexes. When we internalize the conflict that the out of balance “power over” paradigm has created for us, we perpetuate its power over us. If we want to see change, we must be the change. This is not a Utopian ideal. This is a call to action to start doing small things to tolerate conflict. Because the small things become the big things and we all want the biggest thing, which is PEACE and HARMONY with one another. Give it a try…see what you think.
Try it! And tell me about it by replying below in the comments. I’d love to hear your thoughts on how this works for you.
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Words can be very powerful. They create narratives for us. They tell us a story about what we are seeing and experiencing in our lives. And, depending on the habits we have gotten into with our words, these words may even morph into a pattern for how we see the world.
What am I talking about? Let me give you an example. I must spill something on a white shirt literally every time I wear one. I am sure there are spills on some of my other colored clothing too, but like clockwork there seems to be a coffee stain or something else colorful on every white piece of clothing I own. So, let’s say this happens and I say, “Natalie, you’re such an clutz! Why can’t you wear white once and not spill on yourself?” Seems like a normal response to this right? Well, let’s compare that to, “Oh my goodness Natalie. Spilling seems like spilling on your white clothes is just your go-to move.” followed by a laugh. What I am getting at is how in the first comment I am devaluing myself as a person because of my behavior and in the second comment I am just making fun of my behavior. It’s a subtle difference in wording that makes a major difference in how we think and feel about ourselves.
I can’t tell you the number of times I have sat across from a client who is struggling with feelings of shame and low self-worth. It’s almost epidemic in our American culture, where we are marketed at from birth to death. And the underlying message from this is that the way we are isn’t good enough as is, so “Buy this product and you’ll be better!!!”. When this culture mixes in with saying things to ourselves and others like, “I am such a clutz!” instead of “Spilling was just an accident”, we alienate ourselves more and more. Self-talk that devalues the person can increase feelings of shame.
So, why do we do this? Possibly because we were taught to. Or, because culture is so prone to use these concepts in marketing. Or even because once it is a habit in our thinking, we start to do it as second nature. I mean think about it, my comment to myself that I was an Clutz for spilling on myself is not all that uncommon, is it? We say things like it all the time. Words hold power. They define things and they narrowly begin to categorize things. So if I call myself names like that enough, it isn’t hard for me to start truly believing this. And this can lead to feeling uncomfortable or awkward when people compliment me, because those compliments aren’t in alignment with what I believe about myself.
I would challenge you this week to take a look at how you talk to yourself, to your friends, and to your family. You might even look at how you talk to others on social media. What phrases do you use? What message do they imply? Is that what you intended to say? I want you to start to notice the words and phrases that are your go-to’s and then think about what narrative they are creating for you about yourself and your world. Our stories are intricately a part of who we are, whether we are calling out the story and looking at it or not. Words are how we make up these stories and word choice is a very powerful thing. Just notice this week where the power is in your words. No need to change things (at least not yet). The first step in anything you want to address, much less change, is to recognize that it is there.
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Have you fallen off the proverbial wagon with your exercise routine. If so, you are in good company.
Springtime is notorious for becoming a time of reckoning when it becomes clear that all our great New Year’s intentions aren’t coming to fruition.
Dr. Natalie is going to spin on this one step further. Maybe the reason you are struggling to keep on the exercise wagon is because the way you are going about it is not real self-care.
What?!? We have all been taught that exercise is the quintessential self-care right?!? Well…maybe we need another lesson?
Take a look.
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Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
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Have you ever had one of those days that you felt sucked into the vortex of negativity? Like you can’t do anything right? Or like Murphy’s Law is beating you down? Then this is the Vlog for you. Dr. Natalie shares with us one of her own personal experiences of feeling she is being taken in by this and helps learn how to pivot into a new direction.
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So many of us get stuck at some point during our lives. We know that we are not fully happy, yet we don't really know what's missing. We just know that we thought it would feel better than this by now. So what gives?
Dr. Natalie's online courses are designed to help you build the skills you need not only to find out what seems to be missing in your life and keeping you stuck; her courses will help you liberate yourself from your past and starting designing the LIFE YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED.
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Please be sure to sign up. Even if you can’t join every month, you will also have access to online courses, workbooks, guided meditations, and get the video highlights sent out after each months group coaching event. It is well worth it!!! Make 2023 your year!!!
When I started LearnToLoveYourStory.com I had an idea of what I was trying to accomplish, yet it wasn’t fully formulated in my mind yet. I knew that there were ways I have helped people through counseling and helped myself in my own life transitions that over and over again worked well to help people pivot out of any painful experience. What an amazing super power!!! An amazing resiliency skill!!! And what better time to share such knowledge than after a worldwide pandemic that has caused a sister pandemic…a mental health crisis.
I knew there was a thread that goes right to the heart of why any of us struggle. Why any of us feel human suffering. Why any of us ever doubt ourselves or our capability to handle a situation. In the beginning I struggled to put my finger on what it was exactly.
So I just kept following my intuition on this journey of creating content to help people pivot out of any life transition, any need for a change in their life, and any human suffering of which they are a part. As I sit back and reflect and look at all of what I have created as a whole, it becomes clear that this resiliency skill of growth mindset really is a super power. If one is always ready for change, then no major harm will come from any life transitions. In a way, you are always ready.
That said, it kept bugging me that right under the surface there had to be a reason why all of us experience some suffering during change, or at least are very uncomfortable. What is it? Why do we continue to repeat old behavior patterns even when they don’t work? And why do we cling to them so much, even when we know they no longer serve us? I know how to work with people individually in therapy when these patterns show up in their lives. I do this by helping them unearth their own participation in their suffering and make the changes they want, in order to change this pattern. But why is it that we all suffer in the same patterns over and over, generation after generation, transmitting intergenerational traumas to one another? There had to be an answer to this…right?
Well here is something you should know about me, if you haven’t taken the time to read the About the Author page. At a very young age, living in an alcoholic family home, walking on the eggshells of when the next shoe would drop from which parent for what issue, I created my own super power. I see patterns. Seems simple I know, yet it has come in handy in more ways than I can count. I can see patterns in individuals. I can see patterns in systems. I can see patterns in all of us. So this puzzle, was just another challenge for me.
What is the common thread in the pattern of continuing to participate in our own suffering?
And then it hit me. Constructs. Definitions. Roles. Scripts. Rules. What is hurting us the most is our own making. This is not surprising to me, because when I help people to pivot out of their own pain during life transitions, it generally is because we discover how they’ve participated in their own suffering by clinging to old ways of thinking what they “should be” like instead of loving who they are now.
Why is it that we cling so heavily to pre-fabricated ideas of who, what, how, when, and why we “should be” who we are? Our suffering is born out of our own discomfort that we aren’t exactly like we think we “should be”. It is nourished by the shame we inflict on ourselves and towards others, judging how much we miss the mark and aren’t afforded the privileges of being who we think we “should be”. And it damns us to an eternal repetition of these destructive patterns, when we weave into the fabric of our families, societies, and cultures these definitions of who, what, how, when, and why we “should be” a certain way.
So in case I’ve lost you, let me slow down a bit. Let me give you an example of what I’m talking about. A common midlife issue is the impact of aging on the body. Men and women both have their own versions of discomfort with this. There are wrinkles, weight gain, and aches and pains. Not to mention things like menopause, heart disease, metabolic disease, and respiratory disease. Need I say more? These illnesses start to plague this midlife group at a higher rate than they did when this group of people was younger. Now, why is it that we complain about these changes to our bodies in midlife? Seems like a weird question I know, but go with me. We complain about these changes because we have a definition of what our bodies “should be“. We have an ideal of what a beautiful body looks like…young, healthy, athletic, attractive.
Yet all of these descriptors are subjective. It’s in the eye of the beholder or or in this case, in the hands of those who make and uphold the definitions. So when I’m talking to a client who is struggling with how she looks because she is aging, and this causes her feelings of depression, it is not the depression that is the problem. It is the definition of what she “should” look like. The depression is the symptom of the real problem…that she is holding herself to an unattainable, unfair, and harmful standard of what her body “should be”. Who made up this definition? And why in the hell are we following it so rigidly that we would create depression over it?
And there it is my friends. Hidden in plain sight. Right in front of our noses. The reason we suffer is that we cannot attain all of these definitions of who we “should be”. It is humanly impossible to be young and aged at the same time. It is possible however, to have different definitions of beauty for different ages. And yet, we stay stuck. We do what we’ve always done. We still believe the unsaid rules that tell us that aged bodies aren’t as beautiful and vibrant as young bodies, and this reinforces the belief that aged bodies are somehow lesser. And this is just one example. And it’s just one layer. You can layer suffering on suffering. What if your in midlife, divorced twice, and a single mom (for the second time). I am. And our world has lots of ideas and definitions about what that means about me. None of them are flattering.
What if we changed the game? What if instead of engaging in the hustle for our worthiness or the rat race towards trying to meet as many of these standards of how we “should be” as we can at the same time, what if we break all the rules and rewrite the rulebook? And even more than that, what if we give license to all of us to have our own rulebook that applies to us individually? What if we stop judging one another, shaming one another, against ideals that we never created for ourselves in the first place? It’s an interesting proposal isn’t it?
The long and the short of it…LearnToLoveYourStory.com is here to help you do this. That’s what I’ve been successfully teaching people to do for two decades. I would love to help more than the very few that I can sit across the couch from offering therapy. I would love to open more eyes in a compassionate lens to see the fact that it is the definitions of how you “should be” that are killing you. It’s not the anxiety. It’s not the depression. It’s not the midlife crisis. Those are symptomatic of what the real problem is underneath. And my friends the problem underneath, hidden in plain sight, is that we are all holding ourselves accountable to definitions of how we “should be”, when we never had a chance to decide what those definitions are. When you work with me I will give you the tools to change that. Wouldn’t it feel better to Learn to Love Your Story? Click the links below to learn more about how to work with me.
Do any of these sound like you?
Feel a sense of lack, despite success in life or having done everything “right”
Struggle to articulate how you feel to others
Experience guilt about how you’re feeling
Have lost your way
Are struggling to overcome turmoil in your life
Have become resigned to accepting a life you don’t love
Many of us are suffering like this — daily life has become an ordeal, and we don’t know where or how to find help.
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Disclaimer
The content in this blog is not a replacement for therapy and is not clinical, medical, or mental health treatment. Dr. Natalie Marr is a Licensed Psychologist in the state of Minnesota. Her work with LearnToLoveYourStory.com and all affiliate social media entities is educational and coaching based ONLY. She IS NOT offering therapeutic services of any kind on these mediums.
If you or someone you know is having a mental health crisis or having thoughts of suicide, please use the following crisis resources (this is not an exhaustive list of available resources):
